Running away
by Ranowa Hikura
Summary: Casey has a terrible secret, and it's killing her. She needs to tell, but can't bring herself to.
1. Chapter 1

Hey people. This is my first fanfiction, so be nice, okay? Oh, yeah, and the POV is gonna be weird- first it starts off as Casey's POV written in present tense (sorry if it drives you insane), then it switches to second person switching between people and it's written in everybody's favorite- past tense. And there's no romance as of yet, but alot of CO friendship. And maybe some EC (friendship) as well. If romance does develop, I'm just letting you know that its gonna be CO.

Warning: Has some self-harming. It's not a major theme, but it's there. May trigger.

Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: doink doink owns these guys, although I did hire Casey and sue for the rights.

Summary: If only I could ask for help. Then maybe I could move on.

**2011 note: please read chapter 12, the author's note, first, it's important**

**Prologue**

Another wave of despair washes over me as I remember stumbling on the courthouse steps in high heels and spraining my ankle. I couldn't ride my bike home. And my apartment's elevator wasn't working. I couldn't walk up seven flights of stairs- although I did yearn for the pain. Physical pain took my mind off other things. But I knew to deprive myself of the pleasure was surely a good thing. I wasn't sure how it was, but it just had to be.

Instantly, I wish to go to the nearest bar, unbutton my blouse, hike up my skirt, and toy with some kid's feelings until he brought me home with him. I would drink and drink and drink until I was drunk enough not to respond with fear when he would touch me. I knew myself well enough to know this was necessary- otherwise, sex would be an impossibility. Even meaningless, one night stands I used to make the nights go by without nightmares. The nights I spent alone were far worse. I was very strict with myself- go to bed at 2 am, get up at 6, and never sleep without my softball bat next to me, hidden by the blanket. I recognize the signs in the morning that said I had yet another nightmare, but thank god for how little sleep I get and fake confidence I achieve, for they keep my memory safe and I remember nothing.

No. I will not go to another bar and I will not have another worthless night of sex. I am tired tonight and want to sleep. Somehow, my usual coffee-fueled days and my adrenaline-sponsored movements aren't working right now. I'm not going to a hotel- my wallet has almost no cash. And, perhaps I am glad for my sprained ankle- I had another relapse yesterday, and felt the burning and nausea as I stood next to my couch. I didn't want to go through that ever again, but knew if I returned tonight, I would- however, maybe by staying away, those feelings will disappear. As if life could be so simple.

Sighing and giving in, I scroll through my phone contacts, searching- Sighing and giving in, I scroll through my phone contacts, searching- in another situation, she might have laughed at the fact that all her friends were her detectives, save for her few contacts from law school who had kept in touch.

The Manhattan Special Victims Unit. Those are my detectives. They investigate rapes, domestic abuse, child kidnappings- the cases no other cops want to go near. And I, Casey Novak, am their Assistant District Attorney. I get their warrants and prosecute their cases, and that used to be enough for me. Not anymore, though. I used to be happy knowing I was doing some good in the world, but now, no matter how much good she does, it won't kill the evil memories that are always lurking in the back of her head.

I sigh again. These self-decrepitating rants of mine have gotten more and more common. Thinking about that isn't good. I should just focus on where I'm going to go tonight- so I do just that. I return to scrolling through my contacts, but my despair grows with each number I scroll past.

No, not Captain Cragen. We aren't close enough. Not Detective John Munch. He was- well, Munch. We're friends, but I somehow can't picture myself staying with him- and he might suspect that something's wrong. Not Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola. He is working late tonight. Melinda Warner, our medical examiner, doesn't even live in Manhattan. George Huang, FBI agent/behavioral analysis…no, that won't work either. He's a shrink and, if I came, he would put on his shrink mask and interrogate me until he found what happened. Detective Elliot Stabler is tempting, but he has a wife and kids- I'm not going to intrude on that.

Detective Olivia Benson- one of my only female friends and the detective I am closest with. I search for a reason not to go to her but, unable to find one, decide to just head to her apartment.

I wonder, am I choosing her truly out of convenience, or because I know she will understand? Perhaps because I believe she will get the truth out of me, even is she has to drive it kicking and screaming? I do not want to talk about it, I do not want anyone to know, but I know it's the only way to deal with it.

I have been running away from what happened, I know. But I can only run so far, and I can never run fast enough. Sooner or later, I have to face what's chasing me.

So I hail a taxi and numbly give him the address, noting my soaking wet hair and clothes without feeling discomfort. My teeth are chattering and I realize I am shivering. Hmm. The pouring rain did not bother me, although I had to keep shoving my wet red hair out of my eyes so I can see. That is annoying. Strange how I can feel annoyance, after everything that had happened. One would think it would not bother me anymore.

"Ma'am- fare's 12 bucks even. Ma'am."

I jump, then shove all the contents of my wallet at him and go to Olivia's apartment building. A voice, unbidden in my head, says _Now. You tell her now. You're not dealing with this. _

And then, the sullen voice I side with most often retorts back, _Shut up. I'm dealing with it just fine. Leave me alone. _Biting my lip, I knock nervously on her door- one, two, three times. Maybe she didn't hear. I'm about to try again when the detective opens her door, then blinks in surprise. "Casey? What are you doing here?"

Should I tell her the reason I gave myself, or the real reason I know I'm here? "Um, my building's elevator broke down, and I'm on the seventh floor..." Reason I gave myself, then. I resist the urge to slap myself, knowing full well that I need to talk, and yet not knowing how. Every moment I put it off made it less likely I ever would.

It took Olivia a second to get it. "Oh, right, your ankle- of course you can stay here. Come on in- oh, Casey, you're freezing! Get in here!" Olivia pulls me inside and wraps a firm arm around my shoulder, and this I can handle- she's a woman. She can't hurt me... right? "Come on, Case, we've gotta get you warmed up. And you're soaking wet! What happened to you?"

So much, Olivia, so so much has happened to me. But I don't know how to tell you. "I, uh, had to catch a cab. It was raining." The detective hands me a cup of coffee and shakes her head disapprovingly, and I am instantly worried- have I done something wrong?

"That's the only reason to own a car in this city, Case- otherwise you get stuck in our terrible weather," she says playfully, and I smile, relieved. "Here, I'll get you some spare clothes. You've gotta be cold in those." I admit, in the warmth of her apartment, I am beginning to shiver violently, although this may not be from the temperature. But I am cold.

I drink the coffee and feel the tears on my cheeks. Thank god for the rain. Olivia would not know. Still, this infuriates me, for some part of me wants her to know, but I still do not want to appear weak. I don't want her to see me as some crying victim. It makes me proud, just a little, to see how the others of SVU look at me- as a friend, as part of the family. Not as a victim. I like that. It allows me to ignore the past, continue the denial, if only for part of the day.

"Here you go, Casey. They might be a little small, since you're tall as hell, but they'll do."

Nodding, I accept the clothes and mumble, "Thanks." She shows me where the bathroom is and I go to change, peeling off my wet, cold clothes, but before I have the chance to get dressed I catch sight of myself in the mirror.

My red hair is long and damp, trailing on down to my waist, my green eyes red from crying. I note the dark circles under them, so bad that if I tilt my head the right way, it looks as if I have a black eye. My tall body is very thin, and not in an attractive way. It used to be. I used to be strong. My muscles used to be visible, one only had to look at me to know I could hold my own.

Now, however, my body is tiny, no strength visible under my deathly pale skin. My lacy black bra and panties are slightly too big for me, since I've lost weight, but I don't want to buy anymore clothes. I just don't see the point in anything anymore.

I examine my reflection critically, then stare into my eyes and whisper, "I hate you." I turn my back and look over my shoulder, examining the scars on my leg. They are hideous. I hesitantly raise my finger to trace them, running it along the two letters, then abruptly twist and hurl a random bottle at the mirror. The resounding smash does not bother me. Neither does the cracks now spread across the glass or the little cuts the broken bottle shards sliced through my skin. One of the cracks obscures the scars, and this satisfies me- I do not like them.

"Casey? Everything okay in there?"

I realize Olivia is pounding on the door in alarm and I sigh, regretting my mistake. "Yeah," I call. "Just dropped something of yours. Sorry, I know I'm clumsy, I'll replace it."

She says something else, but I don't know what. Sighing, I look away and pick up the clothes Olivia gave me, smiling slightly at the pale green shirt. I like wearing green. It matches my hair and eyes. She was right; the jeans are a little too small, but I don't care. The shirt is big enough to make up the difference. Walking back into her living I room with my wet clothes over my arm, I say, "Thanks, Liv. You're a lifesaver."

"It's no problem. What broke?"

"Um… your mirror. And a bottle of something. Sorry."

She frowns, always the detective, already trying to figure out what I had done. "Casey, how exactly did that happen?"

_Damn_. "You know me. I'm really clumsy." Well, this half-assed excuse would be obliterated the moment she took a look at the damage, but I'll pay for it. It's not like I use money for anything nowadays. Maybe she'll forget about it.

Olivia shrugs and drops the subject, but I know it'll be a matter for discussion later. "Anyway, you warm yet?" I nod again, smiling at her gratefully. "Good. Now, its 12:30- I'm sure we could both use some sleep. You take the bed, I'll get the couch."

I protest, frowning and shaking my head unhappily. "No, Liv, I don't want to intrude- it's your place, really, I-"

"Nonsense, Casey, you're the one with the sprained ankle. Sleeping on the couch won't help."

I hesitate, then sigh once more and give up. "Fine. But we're sharing the bed," I say firmly. "I'm not gonna make you sleep on the couch in your own apartment." Dread fills me as I realize what I have just done- weaponless, I'm about to do the unthinkable- get six hours of sleep. I will remember the nightmare. I have fought so hard ever since that night to prevent this. I don't want to remember it. But I am so exhausted I know I will fall asleep, and without my bat, there is nothing in my hand to comfort me, to remind me that I am safe. I don't want to do this.

"Casey? Are you all right?"

I look down and realize my hands are shaking. Hiding them behind my back, I nod fiercely and lie. "Yeah, fine- guess I'm still a little cold." Olivia nods sympathetically and turns out the light. I am terrified, but my body is under too much strain from the hell I've put it through and, exhausted, I fall into a nervous sleep.

Coming up next: Olivia finds out Casey's secret. Mine is I am a hooker and feedback is my sex. Please review?


	2. Chapter 2

*GASP* people reviewed! I love you! Anyways, thanks for actually reading this, and because of the comments I got inspired and wrote this chapter here.

**Chapter 1**

Olivia woke up to a cry of pain and sat up, alarmed, to find Casey lying next to her. What the- oh. Right. The A.D.A. had shown up and stayed the night. "No! No, please, god, please don't!" Casey sobbed, rolling onto her back and kicking at the covers. "Ah! It hurts, it hurts! Stop, please! No..." Tears stream down her face as she continues to toss and turn, begging, pleading with whoever was hurting her to stop. Casey screamed again, twisting so violently she landed on the floor.

"Casey!" Olivia shouted, running to her in a panic. The ADA was lying on her side, her chest heaving, still crying as her eyes shot open and she stared blankly in horror, at what, Olivia didn't know. "Casey!"

She jumped, looking up at her, then ran from the room, shaking violently. Olivia dashed after her, but Casey just fled the apartment. "Casey, come back!" But it was no use. She was gone.

Olivia remained frozen, staring after her in shock. _No! No, please, god, please don't!... Ah! It hurts, it hurts! Stop, please! No... _That wasn't just any old nightmare, and judging by the way she reacted, something horrible had happened to Casey. Something she was dreaming and screaming about in her sleep.

Her phone rang, startling her out of her reverie. She shakily hurried back into the bedroom to search for her phone. "Benson," she panted, glancing at the clock then swearing- five am.

"Hey, Liv, its Elliot. I know it's early, but we just caught a case. I'm outside your building; I'll fill you in after you get ready."

Casey hurried back to her office, head down, sports bag slung over shoulder. She kept a change of clothes at work, in case she had to pull an all-nighter, and now she was wearing a V-neck dark blue top and black skirt. Perfectly fine for arraignment. Her hair was a hopeless mess, and after several minutes of struggling to tame it she had simply tied it back. She'd deal with that later.

The moment she shut her door, Casey collapsed, falling to her knees as she started to cry. She had known she hadn't been dealing with what happened. But the alcohol allowed her to forget, and the hours she spent sober she was able to fake it- actually, most of the time, the happiness wasn't even a lie. It was harder to hide it, with detectives who knew the signs working with her day in and day out, but she managed it. But Casey had had no idea how little progress she had made until last night.

_He_ had visited her dreams, starring in a replay of the event- no, not a replay, it was like he was doing it for the first time, all the terror and pain and the tightness in her chest and the unreality of it- all exactly the same. It had been three months. Surely she should be better by now. Otherwise, she was just weak.

"No!" she whispered hoarsely, slamming her hand into the wall. "I am not weak!" _Oh really? What happened last night? You slept even though you knew what would happen, you weak bitch, you knew you would see the nightmare but thought two extra hours of sleep was worth it. _"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to I'm so sorry!" Burying her head in her hands, Casey curled up and started sobbing, pain radiating from the center of her chest. How had this had not stopped? How come she wasn't better?

"Um, remand, Your Honor," Casey mumbled, keeping her eyes focused on the papers in front of her.

The defense attorney started to object but Elizabeth held up her hand and said sharply, "I won't have it, Mr. Whitaker. Ms. Novak's request is granted. Now, if there is nothing more to discuss, next case!"

Casey gathered her papers together with trembling hands, then jumped and nearly screamed when someone touched her shoulder, whirling around in shock. "Case... its just me," Olivia said softly, watching her in concern. "I need to talk to you."

_ No. Not here. Not now. Please, Olivia, not now. _"Olivia, I... I... look, I can't right now, I have...um..."

"No you don't, Casey. You don't have any work to do. You are coming with me right now." Olivia pulled her away, and Casey had to use every ounce of her strength not to fight back. The detective led her into a storage closet and shut the door, standing between her and freedom. "Casey, I... last night, you- you talk in your sleep. I heard what you said. Please... tell me what happened."

Casey could feel all her walls crumbling down around her. She had never told anyone. But now... "P- please, Olivia... not here... I can't here, please- please, take me somewhere else..." A tear slipped down her cheek and she clutched her stomach, trying not to cry.

Olivia stared at her, shocked, then nodded softly and draped an arm around her shoulders. "Okay, Casey, its all right. Sweetie, walk with me, okay? I'm taking you home, Casey, I'm-"

"No!" she shouted, shaking her head and pulling away, her green eyes glistening with tears as she stared fiercely down at the detective in fear and anger. "No, don't, please Olivia, don't make me, I don't want to, please-"

"All right, its okay, come on, its okay, calm down. I'm not going to make you go home, all right, honey? I'll take you to my place, how's that?" Casey nodded weakly, sniffling as Olivia slowly led her outside. Thank god the detective was used to working with victims like herself, otherwise, she probably would of panicked and ran… but maybe, during this breakdown, she would actually reach out and ask for help. Certainly a momentous step to take… but was she ready for it?

So it was that Olivia ended up helping a trembling Casey Novak into her apartment, where she just started pacing back and forth in her living room. "Casey, please, talk to me," Olivia begged as she whipped around again, tears shining on her cheeks.

"I c- can't..." The ADA whispered, shaking her head. _How do I tell her?_

"Yes, you can," Olivia said and grabbed Casey, holding her tightly by the shoulders. "Come on, talk to me, Casey. Please, let me help you." She had to help Casey, but unless the ADA let her in, she didn't know how. "Its okay, sweetie, you can tell me."

"I was..." Casey was trying to tell her, but it looked so hard... what words could be difficult to say? Unless... "I was raped."

Olivia froze, speechless. _What? WHAT? _Horror washed through from that simple statement- unbelievable, undeniable horror. Raped. Casey Novak had been raped. No. No, it wasn't possible. It couldn't be possible.

But the sobbing, trembling ADA on the floor said differently. "Oh... oh my god. Oh god. Casey..." Olivia dropped to her knees, wrapping the arms around Casey, holding her close as she cried, unable to let go. "Its all right, honey, its all right... come on, tell me what happened."

"It was the- three months ago," she gasped, burying her head in Olivia's shoulder so she didn't have to see her friend's compassionate, worried gaze as she started her story. Her voice muffled, she continued. "We w-went out a couple times, but, before we t-took it to the next level, I ended it. But, when I went back to my apartment... he w-was waiting for me." Here she curled up into a ball, holding on to Olivia as if her life depended on it. "He s-said th-that I was w-wrong, we were m-meant to be together... I fought him, Liv, I swear, I didn't want to, he wouldn't let me, I swear I didn't want to... he was just too strong! He wouldn't let me up! And he made it hurt; I couldn't breathe or move or scream, and he..."

Olivia watched in horror as Casey looked away, her emerald irises distant, tears still streaming down her cheeks. When she finally was ready to continue, her voice dropped to a low monotone as she withdrew into herself, focused solely on this horrifying nightmare of the past. "When he was done, he told me that, when I was ready, I was to call him again. And then he... with his knife, he... he carved in his initials on the back of my leg. I screamed, but he just wouldn't stop... he said 'so I would always know who I belonged to'... Then he left. I cleaned everything up, went to lock my door, and... when I woke up, I was in the hospital. Apparently, I had a concussion, and that made me pass out."

"Casey… Case, I'm so sorry… but how come we never found out? Wouldn't the doctors have called SVU once they examined you?"

She laughed softly in spite of herself, shaking her head. "They did. But that was when Cragen was on suspension, Munch was on medical leave after being shot, Fin was interrogating a suspect down in Richmond, El was with his daughter in the hospital after her car crash, and you were at that battered women conference in Philadelphia. So dispatch gave it to Brooklyn SVU. They didn't know what I looked like, and I lied and told the doctors my name was Allison White. I told them I wasn't gonna release the rape kit the hospital did when I was unconscious and to leave me alone. By the time Fin was back, they had moved on to fresher bodies, and didn't even tell him. Remember, Liv, that was that week I was out for 'food poisoning'? Then, when the hospital let me go, I just... I didn't know what to do. So I went back to work. But I didn't... No, I _still_ don't want anyone to know. But... But I don't..." She broke down again, shielding her face with her hair and gasping with the force of her painful sobs. "I can't do this anymore! I don't know how to get better, but I haven't made any progress at all, I'm still not dealing with it, but I want to I just don't know how!"

Under normal circumstances, Olivia would have recommended counseling and left it at that. But this was Casey. "Sweetheart... I am so sorry... why didn't you tell me? I would have caught this bastard, I would have killed him! I still will! Please, Casey, who did this to you?"

"No! No, I can't... please, Liv- I never wanted revenge or to see him arrested, none of that... I just want to move past it. I don't want any of you guys to see me differently. I only told you because I just can't keep living this. But, please, don't look for him- he could have killed me! And... and I..."

Olivia hugged her tighter, rubbing her back for a moment before pulling back and looking her in the eye. "Casey, look at me, honey. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

The ADA stared at her with wide, frightened eyes still wet with tears, and whispered, "Don't I?"

Coming up next: Olivia tries to deal with it and something happens to Casey. Feedback please.


	3. Chapter 3

Mmm. I love feedback! leader: I know about the breaks thing. I tried to put them in the Word document, I must have screwed something up when I posted it. I'll try and make it work this chapter… and I just previewed this, and the line breaks didn't show up, so I just used SVUSVUSVU as a line breaker. Sorry, I wouldn't if I could figure out how to make real line breaks show up, I would.

rthqrthq: I know who you are, too! And I liked Firebubblz better. You violent Asian…

In this chapter I make comments against gays; just wanted to say I'm not against gays or bisexuals or anything, it's just dialogue.

**Chapter 2**

Olivia watched as Casey slept, unable to sleep herself. It was nearly 6 in the morning. After telling her story, Casey had been so physically and emotionally exhausted she had passed out, and Olivia had brought her back to her bedroom... But she hadn't been able to bring herself to fall next to Casey and close her eyes... not after everything that had happened. Well, more like everything that had been brought into the open.

Suddenly, everything Casey had done these past few months made perfect sense. Her aversion to hearing the victim's interviews and statements, how she only used victims on the stand if absolutely necessary, her ever increasing work hours, how, if forced to listen to a rapist's interrogation, Casey refused to go in there herself and left as soon as possible. *-The nightmare Olivia had witnessed… All of it.

Casey sighed, turning onto her stomach, then opened her eyes. She blinked, disoriented, then sat up. "Oh- Olivia. How long have you been awake?"

"I... a while."

The ADA looked away, then caught sight of the alarm clock. "Crap!" she shouted, jumping out of bed in a panic. "Damn it, I have court in two hours- Liv, sorry, I can't wear this, can I borrow something of yours?"

Olivia blinked, shocked at how different Casey was after only five hours of sleep. Last night, she had been a broken mess... Now she was hiding it all with a mask again. "Um... yeah, sure." _Come on, Casey, stop it! Hiding it has to hurt._

Casey waited for a second, then prodded, "Well- what do you have that I can wear?"

"Oh, right! Um, over here. Sorry, I know it's not much- I generally don't have to dress up unless I'm a witness in one of your cases." Olivia watched as the ADA searched through the pile of clothes for something presentable, trying to understand how she could appear so at ease after finally telling someone the truth. Maybe it was part of how she dealt with it- in fact, that seemed to be it. After the rape, Casey had just returned to work. She hadn't told anyone, and Olivia remembered her explanation for her disheveled appearance being the 'food poisoning'. She and the rest of SVU had just accepted it- after all, the girl never took any time off, it was only a matter of time until she got sick. They had had no idea something far worse had happened. But they had never suspected... whenever she appeared stressed out or her eyes were red from crying, they had just assumed a case was getting to her. Never had the thought of rape crossed their minds.

"Um... Liv? Can you leave so I change?" Casey asked in confusion, watching her uncertainly, her hands resting on the clothes she had found.

Olivia could have kicked herself. "Oh, sorry, of course- I just zoned out for a second there."

The moment the detective was gone, Casey slapped herself on the face as hard as she could. _You idiot!_ Casey scratched her arms with sharp nails, trying to draw blood, recoiling away from the pain but knowing she deserved it. _What the hell was that? Why did you ever open your mouth? _"I'm... sorry," she whispered meekly, pulling off her shirt, socking herself in the stomach, then buttoning up one of Olivia's blouses.

_Sorry is all you have to say for yourself? You're SORRY? She will never see you the same again, and you'll be damn lucky if she doesn't tell the rest of SVU! Now everyone will know and they'll treat you like a damn victim! How stupid are you, exactly? _

She started to cry softly, trying to remain silent so Olivia wouldn't hear and check up on her. "I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it just-"

_No, no excuses! You weak bitch, you should have realized that you were having a bad day and not to go to Liv, you should have shut your mouth when you realized how close you were to telling her the truth. You don't need help, you want it, and no matter how much you deserve it I'll be dammed if you ruin your already weak relationship with her to satisfy your own selfish needs._

Casey punched herself in the stomach again and again until she felt nauseous. It disgusted her, how she couldn't bring herself to punch herself harder, so she made up for it by basing her self-punishment on how long it continued rather than how severe it was. Casey would hit herself whenever she did something stupid like this concerning her rape. She agreed fully with the harsh voice in her head, but a part of her- a very large part- just wanted it to shut up so she could sleep. Yeah, she had nightmares, but as long as she was a good girl and took the proper precautions, she didn't remember them.

She sighed unhappily, thinking back to how this had all started. She had discovered the fact that sleep deprivation stopped her from remembering the nightmares by accident. The self-harming… in her position, she couldn't afford to have any unexplainable scars from cutting herself- the detectives would notice and ask and they couldn't know what had happened. Hitting herself, though… it was unorthodox, but still, a quick fix that left no scars to cause questions later.

Nothing was wrong with what she was doing. She would never tell a victim that hurting themselves was a good idea, but that really wasn't what she was doing, was it? All Casey was doing was keeping herself from doing things the easy way- from getting so much sleep that she remembered the nightmare, to keep the terrifying event where it belonged- in the past- and never to tell anyone… well, seems she had failed in that respect.

With a low groan, Casey shook her head. Thinking like this wasn't good. Besides, she had to leave for work soon. She tried to fix the disaster that was her hair before heading out into the living room, where Olivia was waiting for her... Watching her with that annoying gaze filled with sympathy and pity. Casey had once found the look she directed at victims sweet. Now it disgusted her.

"Hey, Olivia."

"Casey..." Well, there was reason number five why she'd never told anyone- they would start being so nice and delicate around her, like she was so fragile she would break if they touched her. Reasons one through four had to do with the fact that she was so damn ashamed of not being able to protect herself that the thought of telling someone was...

"Um... I have to go call a cab, since my bike's at work- wanna come?"

It took Olivia a second to respond. "Uh, sure. But Casey... well, the case your trying in court is a rape case, and… I just don't think you should be handling it, not after… well, you know…"

Casey glared at her, crossing her arms and snapped coldly, "Excuse me? Since when do you tell me what I can and can't do? Detective Benson, I've been dealing with this for three months. I know how to handle it. Now, is that all, or would you like to tell me how the hell you know what's best for me and I don't?"

Olivia was stunned by her sudden change in demeanor. The frigid Casey Novak that stood before her was very different from the usual sarcastic yet sweet lawyer she was friends with. When she understood what went wrong, however, she was horrified. First of all, Casey had had absolutely no choice in the matter when this sick bastard raped her. Olivia taking another choice away was just that violation all over again. And the last thing she'd said- _would you like to tell me how you know what's best for me and I don't?_ Her rapist had told her they were 'meant to be together' and to call him when she was ready- effectively saying that 'he knew what was best for her and she didn't.'

Exactly what Olivia had said.

"Oh, Casey, honey, I'm so sorry... I wasn't thinking- I just didn't realize-"

The ADA's expression softened and she sighed, looking away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have overreacted."

"No, please, Casey, let me finish. You didn't overreact. I should have known what I was saying would remind you of... Look, I'm just concerned for you, all right? I'm really, really sorry..." Casey sighed and looked away, staring at the floor. Olivia slowly approached her and put a hand on her arm, asking softly, "Casey... how have you been dealing with it?"

She shrugged, keeping her eyes away from Olivia's. "I haven't been, really. I work until there's just nothing possible for me to do anymore, then I'll normally leave to go to some bar. I get drunk- so drunk it doesn't hurt when some guy touches me. I have sex at his place, then I'm gone. Stupid, cheap, one-night stands- even if he gives me his phone number I don't intend to call him back. I know I'm using them and I don't care. But... that's on good days."

Here her gaze darkened and her voice grew lower; she hugged herself tightly, recoiling from even the memory of whatever she was thinking about. "On bad days, when I know I'm not dealing with it and am too tired to continue with the stupid ploys I use to put it off, I go home and sleep for four hours with my bat. Its the only way to... well, not really keep the nightmares away, but I don't remember them. If I had a really bad one I know because I feel sick whenever I walk through my living room, where he..."

She broke off, biting her lip and staring at the ground, caught up in the horror of that night. "Its okay, Casey. He can't hurt you anymore. He's not here, he's..." _He's where? I want to know you did this to you, Casey, I want to make him hurt. Please, you have to tell me who raped you, Casey. _ But Olivia knew that Casey would not tell her. She was terrified of him. And despite Olivia's constant reassurances that she would keep her safe, Casey would never be able to forget that one night, three months ago, when there was no one there to save her. _I wish I could have been there. I would have saved her. _

* * *

"Traffic bad?" Elliot asked as Olivia walked into the squad room half an hour late. She just shrugged and sat down, examining the unfinished paperwork from just last night, unable to believe that, just nine hours ago, her greatest concern had been the time-consuming forms due tonight. Now they were the last thing on her mind.

"Oh, hey Olivia. Here's some coffee. Are we even for the favor I owe you from the Donovan case?"

She blinked, looking up at Munch in surprise. He was standing in front of her, holding two cups that smelled like heaven. "What? Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks for the coffee." Olivia accepted her lifeblood and sat up straighter as soon as she had swallowed some of the hot liquid, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "Mmm... caffeine. I love you."

"If that was directed at me, love you too. If it was for the coffee, you do know psych evals are next week?"

Laughing, she grinned at Munch, twirling the pen between her fingers. "It was for the coffee. You, I just enjoy messing with. Damn, Munch, this is actually good! After that last disaster, you can' tell me you made this yourself."

"Nope, Starbucks. And is no one ever going to forget that?"

Elliot joined in, shaking his head with a chuckle. "Dunno, has my shirt lost the big black stain that Liv spit out you called 'coffee'?"

"Oh, all right, fine, you win. But someday I'm going to make coffee that you will be able to swallow, if I have to hold a gun to your head to do it. Oh, and have any of you seen Novak yet? I have to do witness prep with her today."

The mention of Casey sobered Olivia immediately. Elliot, blissfully ignorant of the events of both last night and three months ago, replied, "Um, I think she has court today. The Derek Evans case, maybe?"

"Oh, I don't envy her. That's a tough one. Hey, Munch, Captain wants you," said Fin as he came in, a couple of files tucked under his arm.

"Well, I don't swing that way, but-"

"Munch!" They all cried, exasperated. Rolling his eyes, Munch went back to Cragen's office as Olivia leaned back in her chair, staring at the floor. The thought of Casey prosecuting a rapist now wasn't a pleasant one. How she had managed to do it for three months all alone, Olivia would never understand. It must have been hell. It probably still was.

Fin left to go make some copies, leaving Olivia alone with Elliot. He was watching her with concern- damn it, he always was able to tell when something was wrong. "Liv, how much sleep did you get last night?"

Ha, sleep. She had stayed up the entire time, watching the broken ADA toss and turn restlessly, surely haunted by the nightmares. She hadn't been able to sleep. "A couple hours, I think. Didn't exactly count."

"Something on your mind?"

_Well, yeah, but it's not me I'm worried about._ "Not really. Just was up late finishing some paperwork."

* * *

"Did you rape Cindy Marcello?"

The defendant, a real sick bastard who had tied down and raped his lesbian sister's girlfriend, sneered at Casey and shook his head. "No, I'm not into gay bitches. I like my girl's straight."

"Then how did your DNA end up inside her?"

He shrugged, feigning innocence. "I told you already, someone planted it there! I never did her!" _Oh, come on, you can't honestly believe anyone's buying this_. All Casey did out loud was scoff, rolling her eyes.

"Right, and Ms. Marcello identifying you as her rapist, your history of hating gays, her blood on your clothes- I suppose that's all a coincidence? Or is someone pulling the strings here so-"

"Objection, Your Honor, badgering the witness."

"Sustained. Watch it, Ms. Novak."

Grimacing, Casey turned back to her seat, muttering, "No further questions." Her point had been made, and she doubted she was going to get him to confess on the stand. Now the defense was going to have their fun and make him out to be some innocent guy being framed. If the jury bought that, not only would a rapist go free and Cindy would suffer, but Casey was going to go through pure hell. Whenever she lost a case now- especially a rape case- she found herself pummeling her body so hard she nearly broke her own ribs. Normally she refrained from that unless she was feeling especially guilty about being selfish and satisfying herself, like she had done the previous night by telling Olivia what had happened.

Casey had to bite her tongue to stop the hand already raising to slap her face when she realized that she'd zoned out in court. A million and one possible objections missed out on, valuable screw ups on the defendant's part gone unnoticed. Damn it. "No further questions." Oh great, she hadn't missed _some _of his testimony, she'd missed all of it! This day just kept getting better and better.

"You can step down now, Mr. Evans. The People may call their next witness."

Casey got to her feet and smiled slightly. Time for the big finish. "The People call Cindy Marcello to the stand."

As Cindy was being sworn in, someone else entered the courtroom. Casey glanced back at him instinctively, but his face... _No, no, calm down, Casey, its not him, you know its not, come on!_ She examined him intently, trying to suppress the rising terror until he brushed his hair out of his eyes.

Oh. Right. Not him. Good.

Sighing, Casey looked back at Cindy, sick to her stomach. Another one of the signs of a bad day was recognizing his face in people who she didn't even know, people who probably meant her no harm. It would take several seconds of staring to find a detail that wasn't right, whether it was his eyes being the wrong color or that scar on his cheek or his wide smile... god, she was sick of it.

She shook her head, shoving those thoughts away. She would regret it later, but it wasn't like she had a choice. Right now, she had a job to do. "Ms. Marcello, you invited your girlfriend, Elisa Evans, and her brother, Derek Evans, over for dinner on the night of August the 21st, is that correct?"

Cindy nodded, them remembered Casey's advice to keep her answers verbal and said, "Yes. It was Elisa's birthday and it was supposed to be a surprise party. Derek… um, her brother offered to show up early and help set up."

"And when the defendant, Derek Evans, came, what did he do?"

She bit her lip, looking away. "At first, he did help with the party. He helped make Elisa's cake and put a few roses up, since she really likes roses." Swallowing nervously looking back at Casey, she continued softly, "Then he offered to go down and carry some of the boxes from my car up. I knew he didn't like his sister's... preference, so I was kind of touched, and I said yes..."

Cindy stopped, a tear falling from her eye and she crossed her arms, holding herself together. Casey hated this part, now more than ever. She couldn't make her relive that... humiliation, the horror, the pain... but she had to. "What happened next?" she whispered, her voice weak as she prepared herself to hear of the rape and manage to stop herself from breaking down.

"He... he said that Elisa had good taste. That it was a shame that... someone like me... was wasted on girls. That men deserved me. He told me that 'he could turn me' and that he was going to show me... how real people did it..." Casey waited for the three words she hated to hear most, steeling herself- "He raped me."

That was enough. Cindy shouldn't have to go through anymore. So it was with a heavy heart that Casey proceeded, turning back to face the jury. "Then Mr. Evans's stories about no sex ever taking place, they were lies. He raped her because he hates lesbians and believes he can change them. Not, as he claims, to-"

"You _bitch_!" Casey screamed as someone collided with her, forcing her back into the witness stand as they grabbed her by neck and held a knife to her stomach. "You know _nothing_!"

_His hands, holding me still... no, no, no... I can't move, I can't move- oh god, this can't be happening..._ Casey stood, paralyzed by fear, as Evans pulled her close, the blade digging into her flesh. She only knew by the blood dripping from the wound, for she felt no pain- she had to run, she had to get away, but his grip was too tight! Casey struggled to escape from his grasp, but he was just too strong!

"Get off of her!" The bailiff forced the pair to the floor, prying Evans off her and dragging him from the courtroom but Casey remained on the ground, shocked.

"Ms. Novak! Ms. Novak, are you all right?"

"Huh?" The defense attorney was kneeling next to her, his hand on her shoulder. She rolled away from him, hissing through clenched teeth, "Get your hands _off_ me!" Casey gasped as she landed right on the stab wound, turning onto her back again as the judge, Elizabeth Donnelly, ran up next to her.

"Casey?" Shaking her head, Casey tried to sit up, but found Liz shoving her back down worriedly.

"No, Casey, stay down! Someone, call an ambulance! Casey, don't get up, all right, just stay still."

With a grimace, Casey tried to say something else, then broke off when the defense attorney put pressure on her wound. "_Ow!_ Jesus Christ!" she shouted, trying to pull herself away, but Liz held her still, her panicked gaze roaming the courtroom for something to stop the bleeding. "Damn it, Liz, let me go! I'm fine, really!"

Despite her efforts, Liz and the defense continued to keep her lying down and as still as possible until the EMTs came. They loaded her up onto the stretcher and strapped her down, which wasn't a problem- Casey made sure she could move and everything despite, the restraints. Right now, she was just embarrassed. But then one of the paramedics pulled off her shirt-

And suddenly, she wasn't just being taken to the hospital for a stab wound. She was tied down, half naked in front of six men, and they were all touching her, holding down her wrists to check for a pulse, her ankles to stop her tremors, her head as she tried to sit up...

"No! No! Don't touch me!" she screamed, thrashing on the stretcher, trying to push them away. "Get off me, get off me! Stop!"

"We've gotta sedate; give her a shot of Ativan!" Casey panicked when one of the EMTs tried to shove a needle into her arm, pulling away and wrestling with the straps, trying to undo them any way she could.

"Hold her still!" The one with the sedative shouted just as she had gotten free, and two grabbed her and held her down.

"_No!_" she screamed when the EMT forced the needle into her veins. Casey continued struggling against their grip, but it was getting really hard to... focus...

Coming up next: Elliot sees something he shouldn't and Casey and Olivia fight. Feedback please


	4. Chapter 4

Wha… Firebubblez… Sandbubblez… I'M CONFUSED! And Mizuno-kun: oh dear god, how did YOU find me? And this isn't what I was writing at school, I never hand-wrote this. And NO to your next question, you can't read that either. And, leader- EC is coming in this chapter. Well, not friendship, but interaction, at least… you'll see what I mean.

And, for the record, I'm not sure how Ativan would affect people while it's wearing off, but I just made something up for it. Sorry if it's wrong.

**Chapter 3**

"Casey Novak, where is she?" Olivia demanded the nurse, who looked up at her with a yawn- it was obvious she couldn't care less.

"I'm sorry, you can't go back into the ER unless you're related to the patient."

"Um, I'm her sister- just please, tell me where she is!" Olivia didn't feel guilty about the lie. They were as close as sisters, and besides, she had to see her!

The nurse shrugged, then asked, "Can I see some identification please?"

Olivia hesitated, uncertain, then pulled out Casey's ADA badge- it had been in her briefcase at the courthouse; Elizabeth Donnelly had given it to her. "Look, see? Novak, right there. I'm her sister. Come on, tell me, I have to see her!"

Good thing this nurse didn't bother to even read the first name on the badge- or look at the picture. "Ms. Novak is..." Olivia tapped her foot impatiently as she scanned through the files, glaring at her until she finished with, "in Room 3. They may not let you in there, though, she had an adverse reaction to a drug."

_Adverse reaction to a drug? What drug?_ Shaking her head, Olivia muttered, "Thanks," before rushing back into the ER. Nurses and doctors pushed past her as she made her way to the back, searching for the right room… there! Olivia threw open the door and dashed inside, coming to a halt when she saw Casey.

The redhead was lying down, her shirt off, the doctor stitching up a bloody wound on her stomach. Casey raised her head when she heard the door open and smiled sleepily, calling, "Hey, Liv. What's up?"

"Um... hey, Casey. Are you okay?" Olivia asked worriedly, walking slowly forward.

She laughed, waving her hand lethargically and rolling her eyes. "Sure, sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

The doctor chuckled as he pushed the ADA back down gently, saying, "We had to give her a sedative in the ambulance. Don't worry, she'll back to normal pretty soon. We'll have to hold her here for a few hours for observation, but she'll be home before midnight. How are you related to her?"

"Um... sister."

Casey frowned at her, confused. "What are you talking about, Liv? I don't have a sister."

The doctor shook his head and laughed, beginning to bandage her stomach. "Oh, don't worry. You're not the first to lie about relation." After he was finished bandaging her wound, the doctor led her away from Casey and said in a low voice, "Ma'am, you need to know that the reason she is acting, for lack of a better word, loopy right now is because of the cocktail of drugs the paramedics had to give her to sedate her. Normally, just a benzodiazepane would be enough, which is what the paramedics gave her.

"However, in a very low percentage of cases, this causes a paradoxical reaction. In layman's terms, giving her the sedative caused the opposite of what you would expect- for Ms. Novak, that would be increased anger, anxiety, and violence… Ma'am, how well do you know Ms. Novak?

Olivia shrugged, not sure where this was going. "Pretty well; we've been friends for a couple years. Why?"

Ignoring her question, the doctor asked one of his own. "Is she a substance abuser?"

"What- no! Of course not! Why?"

"Does she take benzodiazepanes frequently? Probably for anxiety-"

"No, she doesn't! Why do you want to know?"

He shrugged and looked back over at Casey to make sure she wasn't listening, but she was playing with the gauze the doctor had left behind, thoroughly amused. "I'm trying to find out what caused her reaction. They're more common in substance abusers, patients who follow a long term regime, schizophrenics…"

"Well, none of those describe Casey."

"It's also been described as a consequence of disinhibition, that is, a loss of control over socially unacceptable behavior. Does that sound familiar?"

Well, a loss of control over socially unacceptable behavior… that sounded like a very light way of describing rape. Casey had had absolutely no control that night, and while simply terming what had happened as 'socially unacceptable' was just adding insult to injury, it could also be considered true. Olivia grimaced, then turned back to look at Casey and asked softly, "So would being raped be a possible cause of your paradoxical reaction?"

"Possibly… look, I have to go check on some other patients. We're holding her here until the drug's affects wear off, so I'll be back to check on her in a bit. Also, the medicine we gave her can cause memory loss- if she doesn't remember what happened earlier today, that's normal."

The doctor was on his way to the door when Olivia turned and stopped him. "Wait! Doctor, why did the paramedics even have to sedate her in the first place?"

He shrugged. "They said she panicked when they took her shirt off." Olivia froze, realization flooding through her, then pity. She rushed back to Casey's side, but whatever they had given her was still affecting her. All she could do was hold the ADA's hand and wait for the drug's affects to pass.

This happened gradually. But eventually, Casey looked down at herself then gasped, trying to cover her exposed chest as she looked down the ER in shock. Olivia unzipped her jacket and helped her put it on quickly, murmuring, "Here you go, Case. Its okay."

"Oh- oh my god-" she tried to sit up, but with her stomach still anesthetized, it was impossible.

"Jesus, Liv- I'm sorry for how I just acted- damn, I have no idea what the hell I was thinking-"

"No, its all right, Casey- it was just the drugs they had you on," Olivia interrupted, trying to calm her. "Casey... what happened in the ambulance?" The ADA blinked in confusion, propping herself up on her elbows and frowning at her.

"What do you mean? I don't remember anything after the courthouse- I must have passed out."

Olivia swore under her breath and shook her head. Not mentioning what had happened in the ambulance wasn't really an option- she didn't know when the paramedics had been forced to sedate Casey, and Liz or anyone else might have seen. If they talked to Casey about it and Olivia hadn't ever told her what had happened, Casey would be furious. Sighing, she rested a hand on her shoulder and tried to explain it to her gently. "No, Case, you didn't pass out. I wasn't there so I don't know all the details, but the doctor said that you were fine until the EMTs had to take your shirt off, so they could look at your stomach. Then you started fighting them and they… well, they had to try to sedate you."

Casey's eyes widened in shock, and she looked away, biting her lip, unaware that there was more to the story. "Case, wait. After giving you a sedative, you apparently got even worse. You fought back harder and they had to give you something else to calm you down. The doctor said it's called… well, it doesn't matter what it's called or any of that. But he said one of the things that would cause a reaction like that would be being raped."

Casey stared at her, horrified, her green eyes wide and confused. Suddenly, she pushed Olivia's hand off her shoulder and swung her legs over the side of the bed, getting unsteadily to her feet and pacing back forth, her movements fast and furious. "I hate him!" she hissed under her breath. "This is all his fault! Just because he took it on himself to decide whether or not we should be together my life is ruined! How the hell Is that fair?"

"Casey-"

"Don't!" she cried, whirling away from Olivia's outstretched hand, breathing hard, her eyes wild and unfocused. After a moment, she shook her head and turned around, muttering under her breath, "I suppose I can't really blame him for this, though. I'm the one who can't get over it. I'm the one who fell apart and now I have no idea what to do. Not fair to blame him for it when it's all my fault!" she fumed, still pacing back and forth.

"Casey, stop it," Olivia demanded, turning the ADA around to face her to see her green eyes were filling with angry tears. "Don't say that. It's not your fault; it's not anyone's fault but his."

"I wish I could believe you."

"It's okay, sweetie," Olivia murmured in defeat, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around her. "You will. It'll just take time." And as Casey cried, Olivia felt despair come over her again. How had things ever come to this?

* * *

"Um... Fin, how much did I have to drink tonight?"

"Nothing, why? You... um, am I hallucinating, or is that Casey?" Munch and Fin stared at the redhead as she walked in, Olivia trailing behind her disapprovingly. "Hey, Novak!" Munch called, hurrying over to them. "I heard what happened, what are you doing here?"

"Being a suicidal workaholic maniac who thinks being stabbed is akin to getting the flu," grumbled Olivia as she trudged to her desk. Casey glared at her, then looked back at Munch and Fin.

"Eh, it's nothing. I just came here to change my clothes and get some paperwork." She gestured meaningfully at the tear in her blood-soaked shirt, then walked back to the locker room. Olivia was being generous and letting Casey borrow her clothes... again. Even though the last time she'd done that, Casey had ended up ruining her only court-presentable suit.

Elliot sighed, getting to his feet and walking out of the conference room, heading down to the locker room to get a new shirt, the one he was wearing now covered with blue ink. His wife wasn't going to happy... _woah_. Elliot froze, staring in the locker room as Casey, her back to him, pulled a NYPD sweatshirt out of Olivia's locker, her blouse already off.

He had always known Casey was a thin woman, but she had always seemed strong to him- after all, she was the only one on the squad who could play him in softball and still come out with her head held high. But now, as he stared at her half-naked body, he found Casey looked nothing remotely like the word strong.

Her torso was unbelievably thin, every single one of the ribs visible through her pale skin- come to think of it, that was strange, too. Casey had always had fair skin, but this was different. It was like she hadn't seen sunlight in years. Her arms looked like twigs as she pulled a pair of jeans out of the locker, and he realized what was coming next, but he couldn't think to form words.

And then Casey took her skirt off. Yes, her legs were bony too, but that wasn't what his attention focused on. His eyes immediately centered on a thick scar on her thigh- it looked like initials. D.G.?

Casey whirled around at the sound of his gasp then screamed, jumping back in shock. Elliot blinked then quickly turned his back, holding his hand to his mouth. "Oh my god, I am so sorry, Casey, I-" he was interrupted by another scream, and he hesitated, debating turning back around when Olivia rushed in.

"Oh god- Casey- Elliot, what the hell did you do?" Munch and Fin came wandering over next, and they stared at the unfolding scene before bursting into laughter, catcalling at Elliot.

Casey started hyperventilating when she saw the four people- people she _knew_- all staring at her exposed body appreciatively- all except for one. Olivia was clearly horrified, and she moved to stand in front of the ADA when Fin whistled and said, "Damn, Novak, if we catch the two of you making out then it'll be such a turn on _I_ might kiss you!" Terrified, Casey ran, bolting past the detectives and running as fast as she could to escape the humiliation with another scream. Olivia ran after her, grabbing the sweatshirt and jeans as she went.

While Munch and Fin were busying making fun of the other detective, Elliot himself was worried. Casey hadn't reacted... normally. And she wouldn't be so thin unless something was wrong. He wanted to go to her, but he wasn't sure if that would help her or just freak her out more.

"Casey!" Olivia caught up with just before she made it outside, yanking her back and stopping her from running away again. "Casey, calm down, all right, please, its okay. It was just Elliot, he's not gonna hurt you."

"That's n-not what I'm w-worried about! I don't w-want anyone s-seeing me like that!"

It was only understandable, after what she'd been through. "Its all right, Casey. Come on, breathe. Its okay."

Casey accepted the clothes from Olivia and pulled them on quickly, grateful to be covered up. She glanced back at the squad room worriedly, then closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall, forcing herself to stop crying. No. Those were her friends. Everything was fine; she had no good reason to be reacting like this.

And yet she was still acting like a blubbering idiot. Ever since that night, this had become a regular occurrence, as had panic attacks, flashbacks, self-harming… "I'm so sorry," she whispered under her breath before Olivia wrapped her arms around her.

Olivia hated that these things kept happening to Casey; she hated that the headstrong Casey Novak had been transformed into... this. She wanted to hit- no, she wanted to kill someone. And she knew who she wanted to kill

_But Casey won't tell me who he is._

* * *

"Casey, you have to eat something."

For the hundredth time that night, Casey shook her head and said sharply, "No, Olivia! First of all, its one in the morning, second, I don't exactly think food in my stomach is what I need right now." She nodded at the stab wound now hidden by a loose jacket, but Olivia just sat forward in earnest and stared at her, concerned.

"Look, Casey... when I saw you in the locker room..." The ADA winced at the mention of that humiliation, but Olivia forged on, regardless. "Well, I'm not going to be nice about this- you looked like an anorexic vampire."

Casey laughed in spite of herself, rolling her eyes and sitting upright with a wince. "Oh, referencing nocturnal bloodsuckers with eating disorders? Someone's been reading that abomination of a book called _Twilight_."

"For your information, that was from a victim a couple weeks ago who was like a lawyer with _Twilight_ as her useless legal drivel. And you think vegetarianism is an eating disorder?"

"Well, yes, considering today's vegetarians think of chicken as a vegetable. And I take offense at that lawyer comment."

"Okay, what are you- oh no, you're not getting out of this at easy."

Casey sighed, looking away and running a hand through her already messy hair. "Well, it was worth a shot. Liv, I know I don't eat that much or go outside too often, but really, its nothing. I'm fine."

"How many times have you told me that, and how many times have I believed it?"

"Well what do you want me to say, Liv? I've been losing weight ever since that night, but I just don't have time to eat, and I'm not anorexic, so why don't you just stick it and-"

"Casey, I'm worried about you, and I think the entire 1-6 is, too, and they don't even know what happened! You've got to change something!"

"Well don't you think I don't know that! That's why I told you in the first place! I have no idea what I'm supposed to do but I know I'm supposed to do something, but if you're just gonna tell me to figure it out myself I might as well just go!" Casey jumped to her feet and stormed out, shutting the door with a slam.

Coming up next: Elliot confronts Casey and Olivia and Casey talk. Feedback please.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4**

Olivia walked to her desk, head down, to find a cup of coffee already waiting for her, a little note stuck to the side. It read:

_I'm sorry. I know you were just trying to help and I overreacted. There's no excuse for how I acted, but I am sorry. This is just a little present that I hope can- well, not make things right, but at least let me apologize. I'm going to come by your place tonight, after work. If you're still mad, I understand- just leave my stuff out by your door. I won't bother you again, I promise._

_Love,_

_Your favorite redhead_

Olivia's heart broke as she re-read the last two lines, and she hurriedly wiped the tears from her eyes before anyone else saw them. She had never been mad at Casey, not ever. She had been mad at herself for not finding a way to help her. She'd stayed up half the night trying to think of anything to make their victimized ADA feel better, even if only a little, but had come up blank. And now, because of her, Casey was feeling even worse than before. Olivia was going to have to pull off something really special tonight to make up for it.

"Hey, Liv, who's 'your favorite redhead'? Some guy who doesn't understand the word no?" She glanced up at Elliot then stuffed the note in her pocket, glaring at him.

"No, not even close. Why were you in my desk?"

"I wasn't. I just saw the note on the coffee and-"

"The coffee was on my desk. So, by definition, you were in my desk. And it's nothing, Elliot. He- or she- is just a friend and we had a little misunderstanding last night. Don't make it out to be more than it is."

Elliot was watching her closely, more than a little concern in his gaze. "Well, it's a she- otherwise you wouldn't have added that qualifier. And last night, as far as I know, you were at the hospital with Novak before coming back here, and then you ran after her when I..." he trailed off uncomfortably, then looked away. "Is this friend Casey?" Olivia hesitated- she didn't want for him to know, and she especially didn't want him to question the already traumatized Casey about it. But she wasn't going to lie to him. "I'll take that as a yes. Olivia, is she okay?"

Once again, she couldn't lie to him. When she just pulled away and started to rummage worthlessly through her desk, Elliot asked worriedly, "Liv, is this about the stabbing yesterday? All I heard was that Evans had a knife and used it- god, did something more happen? Is that why-"

"No- no, El, this has nothing to do with the stabbing. It's something else entirely." Elliot grabbed his coat and turned to leave, and Olivia jumped up in alarm. "Wait- don't ask her, El, don't-"

"Olivia, if you're not going to tell me what's wrong, I'm asking her." And with that, he was gone, without even giving her a chance to stop him.

Elliot knocked hesitantly on Casey's office door, and when there was no answer, he gently nudged it open to find the room deserted. He was about to leave when he heard a crash and a low curse. Biting his lip, Elliot went inside hesitantly, then found Casey in the back, picking a heavy law book off the ground with trembling hands. "Casey?" he asked softly.

If she had been scared by him, her reaction would have been to gasp, swear, then laugh about it. That's not what happened at all.

Casey whirled around with a shocked breath, her eyes widening in fear when she saw him, backing up against the bookcase and covering herself with her jacket, her face going white as she stared at him, terrified. She started hyperventilating as he approached her, hands raised to show her he was unarmed. "Casey, its all right- it's just me, Casey. It's Elliot."

"Go away!" she shouted, pushing past him and going straight for her desk. Elliot started to follow, then stopped when he saw her grab her softball bat with a shaking hand and pull it into her lap.

"Casey- Casey, what are you doing?"

"I told you to go away! Get out, Elliot!" he stepped forward hesitantly, slowly putting his hand on her shoulder- then nearly avoided the swing of a bat as she whirled around, her makeshift weapon in hand, just barely missing his head.

"What the hell, Novak?" he shouted, ripping the bat from her hands and pushing her away. "Hey, I didn't mean to walk in on you yesterday, but that doesn't mean you have to- Casey? Casey, what's wrong?"

The ADA was backing into a corner, shielding her face with her hair, her arms raised protectively as she trembled, and he heard what he thought was a quiet sob. "Casey?" He tried to brush her hair out of her eyes, but she flinched away so violently he thought better of it.

"El, go away," she whispered, her voice shaking so much he could barely understand it. "Please." Elliot froze, shocked, trying to understand what he could of done to make her so upset.

"Casey, honey? Are you okay?" She didn't reply, just started crying harder as she turned away from him, shaking her head. "Case, it's okay, it's okay- come on, tell me what happened.

"No! Elliot, please don't, please don't make me!"

He nodded in confusion, trying to reassure her. "All right, Case, I'm not gonna make you... It's okay, it's just me, Elliot." She shook her head, and he could see how hard she was trying to control herself. "Come on, Casey, don' t-"

"Please, El, leave! Please…"

Elliot watched her closely, waiting until she was slightly calmer to say, "No way in hell. Not until I know who did this to you."

"I can't tell you!" she cried desperately, crushing herself against the wall in an attempt to make herself as small as possible. "Please... Elliot, please, don't make me do this..."

"What the hell is going on in here?" Elliot turned to see Casey's boss, Arthur Branch, standing in the door to her office, his arms crossed, glaring at the two of them in suspicion.

"I... nothing. I was just leaving." Elliot looked back at the frightened ADA and murmured too quietly for Branch to hear, "You need _anything_, you come to me." Then he left- staying would put Casey under more pressure to explain, and when it already so hard for her to _him_, he couldn't imagine what it would do to her to tell Branch. But this wasn't over. He had to find out what was causing her so much pain, before it destroyed her.

Casey walked hesitantly up to Olivia's apartment, praying the sweet detective hadn't left her all alone. She wasn't sure if she could handle it.

But it wasn't her stuff waiting for her when she reached the door, it was Olivia herself. She smiled at her, walking forward and winking at her with warm brown eyes. "Hey, 'My favorite redhead.'"

"Hey, Olivia," she said hesitantly. "I didn't really want anybody else to know, so I used that instead of my name… Does this mean I'm forgiven?"

Olivia laughed, her expression turning sad as she opened her door. "Oh, Casey. Forgiven? For what?"

Biting her lip, Casey followed her inside and explained quietly, "For yesterday. I'm sorry for leaving like that, and saying that you weren't trying to help. I know you're trying... look, it wasn't right for me to say that. I came to you for help, and then I turn you down when you offer it. I'm sorry."

"No, Casey. Casey Novak, I don't ever want to hear you say that again. Don't say you're sorry. _I'm _sorry. Just telling me what happened had to be difficult, and it has to be hard for you, after being alone for so long. I'm going to try to find a way to help you until you've dealt with this, Case. You're strong. I know that you're strong enough. Now, come on. I made you dinner- yes, _made_, not ordered take out- and we are going to eat it."

"Wow..." she murmured, scarcely able to believe that Olivia had not only forgiven her, she had apologized herself. _God, what did I do to deserve her? _"You _made _me dinner? You can _cook_?"

"Yes, actually, as it turns out. I can. And don't worry, I tested it first- it won't kill you." Casey laughed, then smelled something so amazing she followed the scent practically against her will, drawn to the kitchen-

"Oh, Liv- oh my god!"

So yes, Olivia could cook. Chicken stir fry. And it tasted better than it smelled. "Olivia, right now, I couldn't love you more if you handed me a cup of coffee and a coupon for free Starbucks for a year!"

"Ha! I told you I could cook!" They both laughed again, but then Casey's bright smile faded and she looked away with a sigh, putting down her glass of wine. "Casey? What's wrong?"

"Liv... Elliot came to my office today." Olivia gasped, shocked- but that only lasted for a second. Fury beat through her veins as she clenched her hands into fists- she hadn't imagined he would actually go see her! She had thought he was going somewhere to cool off! Never in a million years had she ever thought he would go to her and try and figure out the truth. "He doesn't know what happened, but... if he comes back, I- I might tell him. I mean, he was so big and strong... I just wanted him to leave. If Branch hadn't shown up, I would have told him."

Olivia gritted her teeth, crossing her arms to hide how much her hands were shaking. "Don't worry, Case, I'll talk to him. He doesn't have to know if you don't want him to." The ADA just kept staring at the floor, clearly still shaken up over whatever Elliot had done. She sighed, then held out her hand. "Come on. Its late, and I'm sure you're just as tired as I am." Casey looked at her, instantly worried, and Olivia just smiled. "Yeah, Casey. You can sleep with your bat and set the alarm for four hours from now. I might be mad if I wake up, but I promise, its not you, I'm just not a morning person."

"Neither am I," she said as Olivia turned out the light, then crawled into bed. "Liv?" she asked softly after a few seconds.

"Mmm?"

"Thanks."

Coming up next: Elliot discovers the truth and Olivia tries to help Casey. Feedback please. And I know this was a short one- sorry, the next one will be longer, I promise!


	6. Chapter 6

Hey, people- just letting you know that I have a quote from NCIS (Tony says it to Ziva) in here. Find it and you get free pancakes!

**Chapter 5**

"God no... please, stop... please!" Olivia sat bolt upright as a blood-curdling scream echoed around her apartment, looking around in fear- Casey was lying next to her, tossing and turn, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks as she pleaded, "Oh god no... please, anything but that..." Casey was sobbing as he begged him not to rape her, her voice full of pain and fear. She twisted again and screamed, curling up into a ball. "Stop... don't, no, don't! Please, please, don't!"

Olivia felt her heart break again as the ADA cried, trying to rouse a terrified Casey with all her might. "Casey! Casey, wake up! Please, Casey, please wake up! Just open your eyes, sweetie, it's not real, I promise, he's not real!"

It took several more minutes of slow, painful coaxing, but eventually Casey's eyes opened. She stared at Olivia in confusion, then realization settled across her face and she turned away, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry, Liv. Just because I don't remember the nightmares doesn't mean I don't have them. I didn't mean to-"

"Shh, Casey. It's okay. It's okay." Olivia took her free hand under the mattress, the other weakly holding onto her bat. "Try this on for size: let me hold your hand while you sleep tonight. We've got six hours before we have to get up for work. See if it keeps the nightmares away."

It was a sign of how deep and true her exhaustion was that Casey didn't even argue, she just closed her eyes and mumbled her thanks. Olivia squeezed her hand and waited for her breathing to even out and deepen before closing her eyes too, praying that her presence would keep Casey safe, if only for one night.

When Olivia woke up again, Casey was gone. In her place was only another note lying on the pillow.

_ Hey, Liv. Thanks for last night. I don't know if it did anything, but that's because I don't remember, so- Thank you. Also, I left already to get some of my clothes, so I can stop borrowing- and predictably ruining- yours. Anyways, I'm probably just going to go straight to work- see you later tonight? And sorry there's no coffee with this one, couldn't find any in your apartment. Don't worry, I didn't snoop._

_Love,_

_Casey_

Olivia laughed, rolling out of bed and turning off the alarm clock with a smile. "Oh, Casey," she sighed and tucked the note into her pocket, still laughing. "What happened to 'your favorite redhead?'" She picked up her phone and dialed the ADA's cell as she wandered into her kitchen, searching for anything edible at all. The stuff for the chicken stir fry last night had all been bought just hours previously.

"ADA Novak, sex crimes."

"Someday you're gonna get a call from some nice guy who's telling you where you left your sunglasses or something, and he's gonna hear that greeting and hang up. Sex crimes? Really?"

Casey chuckled on the other line, coupled with an almost audible eye roll. "Hey, this is my work phone, and if I used SVU I'd find myself explaining what the hell an ADA is and what the hell SVU is to some guy who may end up just being a misdial."

"So you use sex crimes? What about just a simple hello, like normal people?"

"I'm 'normal people' like the people from _Ordinary People_ are normal people."

It was Olivia's turn to laugh. "True, true. Well, anyways, I just called to tell you that, tonight, if you want to bring some of your stuff over, that's okay- I mean, if you want to stay. So you don't have to keep going back to your place."

There was a slight pause, then Casey answered lightly, "What, am I moving in with you, Detective?"

They both chuckled, especially Olivia as she glanced around her already messy apartment. "Well, let's just say you're vacating your apartment for a while. I think it'd help some."

Casey didn't answer for a long moment, and when she did, her voice was softer, with all traces of happiness gone. "Yeah, I think it might. I'll come by later with some of my things." The line went dead, and Olivia instantly regretted not easing into the subject slower instead of this bringing it up like that. It was true, she thought Casey living somewhere besides the scene where she'd been violated beyond belief would help a hell of a lot, but still, that didn't mean Casey was comfortable talking about her rape like that. With a sigh, she started getting dressed, wishing she could do something to help the ADA's suffering.

* * *

Elliot had just finished his last stack of paperwork when a hesitant voice asked, "Elliot? Can I talk to you... somewhere private? Please?"

He looked up then blinked, staring at Casey, who was standing before him and gazing at the floor, fiddling with her sleeve. "Um, yeah, sure- Casey, it's like six in the morning, what are you doing here?"

"Trying to talk to you before Olivia gets here. Please, Elliot."

"Yeah- yeah, of course. I think the conference room's empty." She nodded, so he led her to the conference room, which was currently full of boxes and files concerning a case where SVU had trampled across the feds' jurisdiction. He shut the door, then looked back at Casey- she didn't look like she was about to start talking on her own, so he asked quietly, "So, what's on your mind?"

"I... I wanted to apologize. For yesterday. You couldn't have known- I shouldn't have reacted like that. And I never meant to swing on you with my bat- it was just a stupid, paranoid reflex. I'm sorry."

He shrugged, watching her carefully. "Apology accepted... Casey, has anything, you know, strange happened recently? You've seemed a little... distracted, I suppose, these past couple of weeks."

For the first time she looked him right in the eye, her green ones wide in earnest. "Elliot, I… well… yes. Yes, something did happen. Okay, I admitted it. But I can't tell you. I'm sorry, but I can't."

"You can tell me anything, Casey."

She shook her head, backing up slightly and hugging herself. "No, I can't. Not this, Elliot. I _can't. _Please understand, El- it's not you, I just can't tell anyone. I'm sorry. Just... don't tell Liv we had this conversation." With that, she left. Just... left. Elliot tried to stop her, but Casey didn't even turn.

He remained standing there for a moment, shocked, then hurried back to his desk. If Casey wasn't going to tell him, he was going to find out. Whatever the hell this was, it was killing her.

When had she first started acting strange? That case when she came back from food poisoning, maybe- she had refused to use the victims on the stand, refused to offer the deal to the rapist- she hadn't liked that they had to give him one, but she flat out refused to be one who offered it to him. And that was when she had started flinching away from touches, too. Someone must have happened when she was on sick leave.

Elliot looked up the dates on his computer, then groaned- that was when his daughter had been in a car crash. He hadn't even been at work. Okay, so maybe one of the cases had been personal.

He scanned down the files until he found the date of Maureen's car crash, then clicked on the first case. Someone raped a prostitute- clean cut, they had one like that every other week. Next.

Husband raped and beat his wife to death- well, that one could very easily be personal, considering how little he knew about Casey's past. But he might as well check out the next couple, to cover all his bases.

Woman was put in the hospital for a concussion- doctors had called SVU once they'd done a rape kit, but she had refused to tell SVU anything. He was about to click on the next case when the address of the woman in question caught his eye- Lexington Apartments, Apartment 8C.

_ Oh no._

Elliot scrolled through the file in horror, stopping when he came to the pictures of her injuries. Bruises on her stomach- yes, she was thin and pale- _god please just be a type please just be a typo- come on, show me a shot of her face! _One of her leg, finger marks on her arm- "Oh god." There was one of her thigh, with two unhealed gashes creating the initials D. G.

Just like with Casey.

"No," he whispered, moving down to the last picture- "No!" It was one of the woman's face, displaying a small cut on her forehead. The woman was unconscious, but even without seeing the vibrant green of her eyes, he knew who it was.

"Elliot!" He jumped, closing out the window and whirling around to find Olivia standing behind him, her fierce gaze full of anger as she glared expectantly at him, crossing her arms. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, what could Elliot have been looking at to make you so angry? And, more importantly, why do you even care, Olivia? Are the two of you possibly in a relationship? Have the rumors of the rumor mill been true all along?"

Olivia just glared at Munch before pulling Elliot to his feet and dragging him to the conference room. She shut the door with a slam, then shouted again, "What the _hell_ was that?"

"Olivia, wait, let me explain-"

"I thought Casey told you to stay out of this!"

"She did!" he yelled, exasperated. "She did, but I was worried about her, and when she came to see me this morning and told me that something was wrong but she couldn't say what, I started trying to figure things out and found that! Olivia, why didn't you tell me?"

She stopped, clearly filled with guilt, then sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Elliot. I wanted to tell you, but Casey begged me to keep quiet. And I'm not about to betray her trust when I'm the only one she can depend on now."

Elliot nodded slowly, then asked, "Is she okay?"

Olivia didn't answer for a long moment, then sighed and said flatly, "No. She's not okay, Elliot. She's not even close. Nightmares, every night- she begs this bastard not to rape her, but he does it anyway, every single time. She's killing herself in her attempts not to remember the dreams- four hours of sleep every night, no matter what the circumstances, and she always sleeps with her softball bat. She's not eating, and she's terrified of him, Elliot. Casey's terrified that if she tells me who, he'll find her again- believe me, I've tried to make her tell me, but she won't. But she's trying, Elliot. She's trying as hard as she can to deal with it, but... well, I think you already know that she hasn't. That's why she came to me in the first place- Casey said that she was sick of it, and wanted to move on, but had no idea how. She was- is- desperate."

He had known that Casey was in pain. But this much... "Olivia, how long has this been going on?"

"Casey only came to me a couple of days ago, but she's been keeping this quiet for three months." At his stunned expression, Olivia sighed and nodded unhappily. "I know. I know, Elliot. Look... I'll tell you if anything comes up. But don't mention this to her, please- if she finds out about this, she'll never trust me again. And right now... I'm all she's got. She won't be able to get through this was alone, and it's going to be hell if she has to try after finding out what it's like to not be alone. It already is hell for her, Elliot. Don't tell her."

* * *

"Hey, thanks for letting me do this."

"It's no problem," Olivia said as she handed Casey her spare key. "Just don't hit me with a softball bat and you can do whatever you want here."

The ADA laughed, setting her sports bag down by the door. "Ah, you heard about that. Well, I just reacted, it's not like I spend my spare time whacking people with softball bats."

Rolling her eyes, Olivia tossed her a takeout menu, smiling at her. "Find something you want. And yes, you have to eat. That's the only thing I require of the people who stay here- no death by starvation."

She sighed unhappily but complied, flipping through the menu without interest. "Fine. But, just for the record, you're forcing me."

Many victims who Casey had talked to several months after the fact had described eating disorders being one of the many unfortunate results of their assaults… she was only now beginning to understand them. It wasn't as if she was purposely not eating; Casey would order takeout and start eating, but soon would be nauseous and would just stop eating. At first, she hadn't noticed anything specific and had just started ordering less food, but when the sickening feeling hadn't abated, Casey had finally realized it was connected with her rape. Seems that was becoming a common theme, nowadays.

Twenty minutes later, the two were sitting on Olivia's couch, eating Chinese and nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels. As it turned out, Casey was one of those drunks with a limited attention span, so it wasn't long before she just started talking. "I'm really tired, Liv..."

"So go to sleep," she teased, not half as drunk as the ADA.

But Casey waved her off, smiling sleepily and took another drink from her glass. "Uh-uh. Not that kind of tired. I mean I'm tired of this." She gestured vaguely at the walls, and Olivia waited uncertainly for a clarification. "Been three months. I should be better. I'm tired of never being able to go a day without thinking about it." It was quiet now, with Olivia hoping Casey would keep talking, knowing that it would help. "Does it ever end up like that, Liv?"

She smiled slightly, hesitantly putting an arm around Casey's shoulder. "Well, honey, it does. But it takes a long time and a lot of work. No one can do it quickly. Three months isn't long enough at all."

Luckily, Casey was so drunk this did not depress her. "Mmm. Well, I want it to be. That'd be easy. Wish that I could forget, too. If I could forget, it'd be a lot easier, wouldn't it?"

It seemed like she was waiting for an answer, so Olivia said softly, "Yes, it would. Keep talking, honey, keep talking."

She nodded, curling into a ball and rubbing her eyes sleepily. "I just don't know what to do anymore, Liv. I can't keep living like this, and I want to deal with what happened, but I just don't know how. Can you tell me how?"

Olivia knew it was only the alcohol that opened Casey's mouth, and that it was the only reason she was still talking, but this was good. Casey was talking, and that was really the only thing that helped. "Yes. Talk to me, Casey. Keep talking, you'll feel better, I promise."

"Liv... I think I'm getting worse, not better. At first, I didn't blame myself. I know I fought back as hard as I could. But now... well, I'm starting to. I can't believe I let this happen. To me. Don't I get a say in what happens to my own body? But, after everything that's happened, I don't think I do. I was Danny's plaything, his sex toy. Like a lifeless doll or something, that's how much choice I had. But even though it's my body, it wasn't that night. He just did whatever he wanted."

_ Danny! Yes! A name!_ Granted, only a first name and if Olivia pursued this, Casey would kill her, but still, it was a start.

But this was not the direction she wanted things to be taking. "No, Casey, no, don't talk like that! You're exactly right you didn't have a choice! You didn't have one at all! How can you blame yourself for a choice that wasn't yours to make?"

"Shouldn't it have been mine, though?" Casey asked, tears glistening in her eyes now. "Shouldn't it have been mine to make?"

There it was, the heart of the matter. Yes, it should have been hers, it should always have been hers, that was a choice that should never have been taken away. But it had been. And now… Casey just couldn't get past it. "Yes," she said simply. "It should have been. But he took it away from you. That's why it's not your fault. _He_ took advantage of _you_, Case, not the other way around."

"Then why did _he _just go on with his life and _I'm_ the one who can't move on?"

Olivia opened her mouth to say something then stopped- what words could she ever say to comfort her? What could possibly make her feel better now? "Oh, Casey..." She pulled the ADA into a tight embrace, rubbing her back in small with circles, holding her tightly as she cried, wishing more than anything she could protect her from the effects of that night.

Coming up next: Olivia tries to find out more about Danny and the detectives get a new case. Feedback please! And, for people cough*MIZUNO-KUN*cough who think that scene near the beginning was a sex scene- NO IT WASN'T! I meant 'sleep with me tonight' the same way a kid sleeps with their parents after a nightmare! And if you want to make that a sex scene- well, I'm giving up all hope for you and sending you straight to hooker school.


	7. Chapter 7

leader: Yeah, I realized the problem with Elliot's reaction when I reread the last chapter and tried to fix it in here, but failed miserably. Ah well, it'd be made up for in chapter 8, you'll see.

**Chapter 6**

When Casey woke up, she was in Olivia's arms. _Oh my god. _She jerked away, quickly sitting up, leaving Olivia staring at her for a second before sitting up as well. "Good morning. You were drunk and passed out."

"Liv, what- what on earth-"

"I thought I should try, to see if it would help." The ADA stopped mid-retort, watching her nervously with anxious eyes. "You didn't move or say anything. I think you didn't have the nightmare last night."

Casey blinked in surprise, her eyes widening as she hesitated, unsure of what to think. "I... thank you, Liv. That's probably the first time since..." Olivia nodded, not needing her to finish. "Thanks."

"It's not a problem. That's why I'm here... Casey- who is Danny?"

She stiffened at his name, her eyes turning cold as she jumped up and turned her back to Olivia. "How the hell did you find out his name? I told you not to look for him! I told you-"

"Casey, Casey, calm down, sweetie, calm down! You told me last night, honey- you were drunk, and you were talking, and then you just used Danny when you were talking about it."

Casey turned back to face her, looking at her nervously. "I... I what? I told you?" Olivia nodded in earnest, and Casey swore, slapping herself hard across the face and hissing through clenched teeth, "Damn it!" She made to slap herself again, but Olivia caught her hand and held it down.

"Casey! Stop it! What the hell are you doing?" The ADA pulled her hand free, this time punching herself in the stomach as she stormed out of the room. She managed to punch herself again before Olivia grabbed her and pinned her arms behind her back. "Hey! Hey, Casey, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I screwed up _again_, Liv, I'm only giving myself what I deserve, now let go of me!" She struggled to get away, but Olivia refused to let go, and Casey shouted, "Liv, I told you, let me _go!_"

"No! Not until you stop hurting yourself!" It was clear Casey was on the edge of a full-blown panic attack, but Olivia- "Damn it!" Casey kicked her in the shins then made a run for it; Olivia jumped forward and tackled her to the ground. "Casey, stop! _Stop_!"

It took over a minute for Casey's thrashing to turn to sobs and her pounding fists to turn to trembling hands. Olivia let go of her immediately and pulled her into a hug, letting the ADA lean her head against her shoulder, her body shaking as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I'm s-sorry," she forced out between frantic breaths, pulling her knees up to her chest and tightening her hold on Olivia.

"Shh. Just breathe, Casey. Just breathe." The ADA looked like she was trying hard to concentrate on just that, but she simply couldn't catch her breath. "That's it, in and out, in and out- come on, with me." Casey tried to time her breaths with Olivia, and, gradually, she had calmed down enough to get slowly to her feet, wiping the tears from her eyes. When it looked like she was close to normal, Olivia got up as well, watching her carefully.

After the incident at the courthouse several days ago, Casey's doctor had told Olivia several things she should watch out for that were results of the ADA's reaction to the sedative- self-harming was one of them. She was about to say this when Casey turned away in shame and shook her head before starting to talk.

"I'm sorry, Liv… That's just something I do now. Whenever I make a really stupid mistake or screw something up, I start hitting myself- I deserve it, so..."

Well, it was a good thing Olivia hadn't started talking first; then Casey probably wouldn't of admitted she'd been hurting herself for a while now... The more time that went by, the worse Casey seemed to be getting.

"No- no, Casey, you do not deserve it! Everyone makes mistakes! Why do you think that you should get hurt whenever you make a mistake?"

She shook her head, trying to find the right way to explain. "No, it's not like that... it's not mistakes like I forget to sign a form or something, it's whenever I do something really big, like let a rapist go free, or whenever I think I'm letting you guys see signs of my assault... Whenever something like that happens or if, instead of dealing with what happened, I just try to continue the denial- hitting myself either prompts a breakthrough or a breakdown. Either one helps me, or it's at least a change from what's normal now. It's just... I don't even know, Liv."

Olivia sighed, running a hand slowly along her cheek. "Casey, you have to stop this. Hurting yourself doesn't solve anything, and you certainly don't deserve it. Besides, Casey, you didn't make a mistake. Just because I know his first name doesn't mean anything."

"Liv, I don't want you to look for him. He... He'll..."

"Its okay, Casey, I won't- but just say the word and I'll arrest his ass and haul him into the precinct after beating him to hell and back. But, unless you want me to, I won't look for him. But you've gotta stop beating yourself up about this, okay? Well, no pun intended…"

They both chuckled humorlessly before Casey hesitated, then said uncertainly, "... okay."

* * *

"Morning, Detective. Don't take your coat off, you and Stabler have a rape victim down at Mercy General; name's Allison Crawford. Munch and Fin have already got the crime scene."

Olivia nodded at the captain and waited by the door for Elliot as Cragen headed to his office, knowing full well what the detective wanted to talk about and having no idea how to avoid it. "Hey, Liv."

She stiffened by how cold his voice was, surprised, then said, "Hey. Let's go." It was clear by the look in Elliot's eyes that he wanted to bring it up, but he wasn't sure how. By the time they made it to the squad car, he was driving her crazy with his useless small talk, which he only used as a distraction when he wanted to discuss something personal. "Damn it, just spit it out already, Elliot!"

He sighed, shaking his head. "That obvious, huh?" Olivia nodded, and he grimaced before explaining. "Fine. Frist of all, I know you promised Casey, but how the hell could you not tell me?"

"What the- El, I thought you forgave me for that yesterday!"

"I did- yesterday. But that was when I was still so shocked about Casey being raped- I was more concerned about her. But how could you just keep this a secret?"

Olivia groaned inwardly, silently berating herself for ever telling him in the first place. "Look, Elliot, I've only known for a couple of days, and my first reaction wasn't to go run and tell people, especially after I promised Casey I wouldn't. She doesn't want sympathy or pity, she just wants to get better, and for that-"

"I had a right to know!"

"A right? What right do you have to know?" she asked softly, even though she knew the answer. "You're not her boyfriend or husband; you're not related to her-"

"She's family all the same, Olivia! And I understand why Casey wouldn't come to any us in the beginning and why you were the one she eventually opened up to, but I'm your partner. You should of told me."

Olivia sighed, trying to get him to understand. "El, Casey asked me not to tell anyone, and that includes you. Now that you know what happened, I can tell you some things, like how she's doing, but the things she's told me are still private and I'm not going to betray her trust."

Elliot grimaced, shaking his head and keeping his eyes on the road. "Well is she any better?"

Olivia groaned and glanced at him, shaking her head. "Better? Please, she's the opposite of better." Elliot waited for her to elaborate, inching through Manhattan's morning traffic impatiently. "We talked last night. She was drunk, so she didn't think before she spoke, and told me that she's started blaming herself. And this morning, when I told her everything she'd said, she started trying to hurt herself. Apparently, that's been going on ever since the rape. I think I convinced her to stop, but... well, if thing's have gotten this bad in the time she's had to deal with this alone, I think we're lucky she came forward, even if only to me."

They spent the rest of the ride in silence, Elliot only speaking again when he had to ask the nurse where Crawford was. They both hesitated outside her room, steeling themselves, then went in.

Their victim was wide awake, with only a dark shadow on her jaw to show for the horror she'd been through. She was staring at the wall, but looked up at the detectives as they came in. "Um... hi. I'm Allison. Um, Allison Crawford. Are you those detectives the nurse called?" Neither Elliot or Olivia could answer. They just stared at her, shocked.

Their victim was a dead ringer for Casey Novak.

Her red hair was few shades darker than Casey's and was a few inches longer. Her eyes were slightly wider and just a hint lighter, but they were an almost identical green to Casey's. Her skin wasn't as pale, either, but it was close. Even sitting in bed they could tell she was tall and thin- just like Casey.

Everything was just like her.

"Uh... who are you?"

God, even the voice was like hers.

Elliot recovered first. "Oh, I'm sorry- I'm Detective Stabler and this is my partner, Detective Benson. Would you mind telling us what happened?"

Allison looked between the two detectives uncertainly before starting her story. "It was my ex boyfriend… Danny Garcia. We've only been dating for a couple weeks," she said in a soft monotone. "I broke up with him, but when I went home, he was waiting for me. I don't even know how he got in, I could of sworn I locked the door, but…"

Shaking her head, Allison focused on the detectives and tried to see something else besides the images of the assault flashing through her head. "He told me that I was wrong. That we were meant to be together. That he would show me…"

Both Elliot and Olivia knew where she was going, but that wasn't what they were worried about.

Olivia hurried to her side, asking urgently, "Listen, Ms. Crawford, this is very important. I need to know two things: did he cut his initials into your skin, and when he was done, did he say anything?" She should have been a hell of a lot gentler with a rape victim, but right now, that wasn't important. She had to know, and she had to know _now._

Allison stared at her in shock before managing a shocked nod and stammering, "He... he said that, when I was ready, I was supposed to call him. That's all he said before he left. But how did you know about the knife? I didn't tell anyone..."

Elliot and Olivia stared at each other, horrified, before the latter murmured, "I'm on it."

* * *

"Court is adjourned, we meet back tomorrow at eight am sharp." Casey sighed in relief, sitting back down in her chair and starting to gather all her files together when Olivia ran to her side.

"Casey! Casey, we have to talk."

"Olivia- what on earth are you doing here? I thought you had to work?"

Olivia just shook her head, grabbed Casey's briefcase and papers for her and walked off at a brisk pace so fast it was almost a run. "I have to talk to you in private _now._" Casey hurried after her as she went down the crowded hall, searching for an empty courtroom.

When she finally found one, Olivia pulled Casey inside then stood in front of the door, shutting the door and turning her fiery gaze on the bewildered ADA. "Olivia, what the hell is this all about?"

"Danny Garcia! That's his name, right?"

Casey stared in shock, then shouted, "I _told_ you not to do this! I told you not to _ever_ go looking for him! How dare you-"

"I didn't go looking for him, Casey, the only reason I found out his full name is because he raped somebody else! Someone who's tall, with red hair, green eyes, pale skin. Someone who's now has the initials D.G. in her skin. Someone who heard him hiss, 'Call me when you're ready.' He raped somebody else, Casey."

Casey froze, staring at Olivia, disbelief and fear in her eyes. "He... he what? He _raped _somebody else? No... no, he couldn't of... oh god. He raped somebody and I could have stopped this all by just telling you in the first place."

"No- no, Casey, no, don't think like that, this isn't your fault, come on-"

"Oh yes it is! Brooklyn SVU asked me five times if he raped me, and every time I lied and said no! And now, because of that, another woman was raped. How the hell could I be so stupid?"

Olivia quickly tried to comfort her, grabbing her hand and saying, "Case, you're not stupid, you were scared and ashamed, you didn't do anything wrong- come on, don't be like that-"

"I'm pressing charges. I don't care about justice for me; I have to help this other one no matter how much it hurts because everything she's gonna go through is all my damn fault."

She blinked, then hesitantly approached the ADA and asked softly, "Casey, are you sure? You don't have to. We can get him on Crawford's case alone, we don't need you to-"

"I'm doing this, Liv. I have to... I'll be at the precinct in an hour. Don't tell anyone what happened. I... I don't want to, but it should come from me." She turned abruptly and rushed out of the room, leaving Olivia staring after her, utterly confused and stunned.

Coming up next: Casey puts herself in danger and Garcia is arrested. Feedback please.


	8. Chapter 8

Hey, I'm not sure about the timeline with the ADAs before Alex and when they left and all that, so if I make a mistake here, sorry.

**Chapter 7**

A tall, handsome Mexican exited the club, walking down the dark street and straightening his leather jacket, like he was some kind of high school jock. Yeah, she was afraid of him. But that didn't matter right now.

"Garcia!"

He turned around, then smiled at her, waving slightly. "Well hey, Casey! A call would have been sufficient, but seeing you is always better! So, what've you been up to these past-"

"I'm not here to chat, Garcia!" Casey shouted, slamming her car door and stalking towards him. "I had no intention of ever seeing you again until today! You raped another woman!"

He glared at her, approaching her and snapping, "Don't you tell a lie like that about me, Casey. Just because you work in sex crimes as a cop or something and know the power behind a word like rape doesn't mean you can accuse just anybody and everybody of-"

"You idiot, when I told you I was an ADA, you probably never even bothered to learn that is, did you? I'll fill you in- I'm an assistant district attorney. I work for the city prosecuting sick bastards like you. And I'm never going to let you get away with-"

**Bang! **

The world rapidly spun out of focus as black spots clouded across her vision, pain spreading from her leg. There were screams, but it was hard to hear them through the fog clouding her mind. She heard the word ambulance in there somewhere... ah. So tired. So, so tired...

"Yeah, we've got a tail on him until Casey can get us the arrest warrant- Captain, I have to make a call. I'll just be one second." Olivia turned away and called Casey's number, once again only getting her voicemail. Twelve hours had passed since she'd left the courthouse, and she was beyond worried. She's already been to Casey's apartment and her own several times, only to find them deserted, as was Casey's office.

"Olivia, this is the third personal call you've made in ten minutes- if you need the night off, I can give it to you."

Frowning, Olivia snapped her phone shut and turned back to face him. "Sorry, I'm just trying to get in touch with someone. Elliot, can I-" she was interrupted by her cell ringing. She raised it to her ear in a flash, gasping, "Hello?"

"Hello, who is this?"

_ Damn it. Not Casey_. "This is Detective Benson for the Manhattan Special Victim's Unit, who is this?"

"I'm Dr. Wilson at Mercy General, are you able to identify a redhead, late twenties, female, wondering around 26th avenue north at about eleven this evening? Please, it's important."

Doctor. Hospital. Calling about Casey. _No. No, no, no. _"Yeah- yeah, I am- is she okay?"

"Yes ma'am. We got your phone number from her cell phone's emergency contacts, and I really shouldn't be talking about this over the phone; it should be said in person. Just come down to Mercy, room 218, third floor- she was shot in the right leg. What time will you be here, approximately?"

Olivia's blood ran cold as she tried to answer, finding it near impossible. Eventually, she choked out, "We'll be there in ten minutes." She shut her phone in the middle of whatever the doctor was saying, looking up at Elliot and Cragen, shocked. They were both watching her in concern, Elliot more so than the Captain. "That was the hospital," she whispered. "Casey's been shot."

"Don't worry, Ms. Novak's going to be just fine," the doctor told the frantic detectives standing before him. "She came through surgery without any complications and has already been transferred out of recovery to a more private room. She's still unconscious due to the anesthetic given to her for the operation, but I expect she'll wake up within the next couple hours. Ms. Novak will have to remain in the hospital for at least two days, since she lost so much blood, but after that I can discharge her. We have her on some painkillers, so she might be lethargic and have some trouble concentrating, but once I take her of the drugs, those side-affects will pass. You can see her now."

Olivia nodded, then turned as Cragen said in a low voice, "I'll go get Munch and Fin started on this right away. If you two want to be with her until she wakes up, that's fine with me. As of now, the Garcia case is put on hold." Then he left, already making calls.

The moment he was gone, Elliot murmured, "Liv, don't tell me that Casey's rapist surfacing mere hours before she get's gunned down in a street where there are only bars and clubs have anything to do with each other, right?"

"I don't know. Once I told her about our newest victim, she told me she wanted to press charges, would be back at the precinct in an hour, then left. That was over twelve hours ago. I don't know where she went, but if this is Garcia's work, I swear, I'll kill him myself."

Elliot crossed his arms, shaking slightly in anger. "Oh no you won't, I want a piece of him. And- wait a minute, you just told Casey you found her rapist and then left her alone? What the hell were you thinking?"

Olivia blinked, shocked. "What- what are you talking about, Elliot?"

"You told her that her rapist raped somebody else, she tells you she wants to press charges and then just leaves- how stupid do you have to be to let that happen? The guilt alone would be eating her alive! She could have been going off to commit suicide for all you knew! I mean, where exactly did you think she was going, the store? Normal day- work, court, life-changing revelation, work, court? Either this is the biggest coincidence in the world, or Garcia is responsible for this because Casey went looking for him! If you-"

"_Hey! _Just shut up for one minute, will you? What would you have done then, Elliot? Tell her no, that I don't trust her and I'm not leaving her alone even though she's a grown woman and I have no say over what she can and can't do, she's going to do what I say?"

"Well yeah, if it kept her out of the hospital! But no, she was almost killed because you didn't have the common sense to stay with her!"

"This is not my fault, Elliot, I don't know why you're trying to put this off on me! I tried to protect her, damn it, I had no idea she was going to go looking for him!"

"And once again, where the hell did you think she was going? SVU 101, never leave a rape victim alone. How long you been here for, seven years, and you don't even know that?"

Olivia was shocked Elliot was blaming her for this. "El, come on, what the hell is wrong with you? I never meant-"

"All that matters right now is finding this son of a bitch. I'm going back to the station to try and get some work done; you should tell Cragen that we know who the shooter is- if you don't, then I will," he snapped before turning on his heel and storming off, leaving her speechless. Olivia was about to head after him when Cragen came up to her.

"Hey, I just told Munch, Fin, and her boss- Liv, I'm going back to the precinct. You, stay here and get her statement when she wakes up."

"Sure, Captain. I'll call you once I've found out what happened." Cragen nodded his thanks and left, leaving Olivia alone. She took a deep breath, then went inside the Casey's hospital room.

The ADA was lying unconscious in the hospital bed, her right leg in a cast propped up by several pillows. Her face was exceptionally pale, as was the rest of her skin- the only sign of color was the bruising around the IV in her left wrist. The steady beeping reported her heart beating at an even 70 bpm, slightly below average, but understandable, considering the drugs in her bloodstream right now.

"Casey," she sighed, taking her hand. "What the hell did you do?"

It took Casey over two and a half hours to begin to wake up. She jerked, turning her head to the side with a groan, her eyes slowly fluttering open. Olivia waited for her to blink several times then look over at her to murmur, "Hey, Casey. How do you feel?"

"Mmm... ow. Like I've been run over by a truck." She gritted her teeth, pushing herself upright and looking around in confusion. "I wasn't, was I?"

She chuckled, sitting on the edge of Casey's bed and deciding to just come out with it. "No, but pretty close. Witnesses found you lying in the street bleeding to death after getting shot. Leg wound, you'll be fine. Tell me this have nothing to with Danny Garcia."

Casey blinked as vague memories came rushing back to her. She remembered searching for Danny and finding him. She had gotten at the car and started yelling at him, but that was when everything went blurry- based on Olivia's explanation, she could guess what happened.

"I'm sorry, Liv," she said in a small voice. "Well, on the upside, we have him for assault with a deadly weapon now. And this makes rape easier to prove; shows he's violent… I'm sorry, though. I really was going to go the precinct, but first I wanted to see him. I wanted to be the one to tell him that he wasn't getting away with it. I know, I know, I didn't really think it through, but I just… I just wanted to…"

Olivia glared at her, crossing her arms like an angry mother before exclaiming, "Casey, what the hell were you thinking? A, you were never going to prosecute this, and now you're certainly not since you've got a hole in your leg, and B, you knew he was dangerous! What made you think it was a good idea to confront him in the dark on a street where no one's gonna help you if you need it?"

"I... I don't- I wasn't thinking, Liv, I just wanted to make him know that he wasn't going to get away with it, I didn't mean for this to happen! Damn, I must have screwed up your case- how long have I been out?"

She sighed, shaking her head and getting to her feet, walking restlessly around the room. "Couple of hours. I don't know when you got to the hospital, but it's early Saturday morning. We have a tail on Garcia until someone can get an arrest warrant, since that obviously can't be you, but Cragen just put his case on hold because of your shooting."

Casey gasped, sitting bolt upright in a panic. "_What?_ He can't do that! He has to arrest Garcia before he rapes somebody else! No, I already know who shot me, I don't need you guys obsessing over me!" Olivia kept staring at the wall, refusing to look at the frantic ADA. "Oh, god, Liv, are you mad at me? I'm sorry, you have every right to be, I've been such a jerk- I went to Garcia without telling you, I threw your case to hell, I should of-"

"Oh, just be quiet, Casey. I'm not mad at you. I'm should have known you'd do something like this. You always were stubborn like that." Olivia sighed and turned back to face her, this time smiling slightly.

Casey took a deep breath and relaxed slightly, asking, "Am I forgiven?"

"For being a stubborn jerk? Sure. But seriously, yeah. You're forgiven."

The ADA smiled in relief, running a shaky hand through her hair. "Thanks. Olivia, um… did you… well, since I supposed to tell SVU about my attack yesterday but never showed… did you tell them?"

Olivia watched her, concerned about how much this seemed to be scaring her. "No, Casey, I didn't. You said you wanted to tell them, and I'm still going to let you, unless you don't want to."

"I want to. Thanks for not telling them." She stopped, biting her lip and looking away, clearly nervous. "Liv, I... I don't want- I don't want them to know. I know that they have to, but... once I do this, I can't take it back. They're going to know what happened and I don't want them being all nice and delicate to me. I like things the way they are _now_ with them- I'm part of the unit, not the weak link of the chain, not the annoying little sister who needs to be protected and pitied."

"Honey, I'm so sorry you have to do this, but it's the only way. And we're not going to treat you like that. You're not gonna wind up being the third wheel, and we're never gonna see you as this pathetic little girl you think we see in you. I know she doesn't exist, you know she doesn't exist, and so does the rest of the squad. I'll be there with you when you tell them, and if you want me to take over at any time, all you have to do is say the word."

She took a shaky breath, meeting her eyes fearfully as she whispered, "Thanks. Liv, can this wait until after I get out of the hospital? Please?"

Olivia smiled and tousled her hair slightly. "No. Casey, I wish it could, but it can't. You can tell Cragen it was Garcia who shot you, and then he'll want to know how you know him. And if he interrogates Garcia about the shooting, then he'll find about your rape that way, and that's not what anybody wants. And we can't just tail him for two days, we need to arrest him now. The problem is, Cragen's not going to lie off on you until we've arrested your shooter. Look, it can wait until he comes down to the hospital with Munch and Fin, alright? Until then, why don't you just get some rest, and I'll fill you in on everything you missed."

"Detectives Munch and Tutu... Tuto..."

"Fin," he said, walking over to the expensively dressed brunette standing just inside the crime scene tape. "Odafin Tutuola, but call me Fin. Now, who are you? How'd you get access to the crime scene?"

"Oh, that's right, you hadn't joined the unit before I left! I'm Abbie Carmichael, ADA for Homicide. I used to work as your unit's ADA, but transferred out before Alexandra Cabot, Casey's predecessor, was hired. Anyways, the DA's office called and told me about Casey- so sorry, by the way, she's a personal friend of mine- and told me about the current case you're working. He said you'd be here and told me to come with the arrest warrant once I got it, so... here you are. Dan 'Danny' Garcia, charged with raping Allison Crawford. I've already texted Munch the address. How's Casey doing?"

"The doctor said she's going to be fine. Are you going to be ADA for all our cases until she's back?" She nodded, so he offered his hand and said, "Welcome to SVU."

She shook it, smiling slightly. "I'll try to leave before I go insane like the rest of you. Honestly, Munch and his conspiracy theories..."

Fin laughed as he called Munch over, ducking under the crime scene tape. "Hey, Munch, our new ADA Carmichael got us a warrant for Danny Garcia. She said she gave you the address?"

"Yeah, and by Carmichael, do you mean Abbie Carmichael? Damn, I remember her. She was pretty good. We need the likes of her for Garcia, although Casey's my first choice… did Case ever mention anything to you, like an abusive ex boyfriend or something?"

He shook his head, thinking back on the past couple weeks and trying to remember something weird. "No, nothing, she's just seemed a little off, but nothing to indicate something as severe as this."

"Well, let's just get this over with. Then we can concentrate on Casey."

The rest of the short ride passed in silence as they racked their minds for anyone who might have tried to hurt her, but nothing fit. Her last two cases had been convictions for guys with no family, the one before it had been acquittal, but the suspect had left the state and the victim had been very nice and understanding about. No one had made threats about her in interrogation or court, and, as far as they knew, there was no one in her personal life who would be dangerous to her. Of course, neither Fin or Munch knew much about her personal life, but surely she would have mentioned something, if it had gotten out of hand...

"Danny Garcia! NYPD! Open up!" Fin called, his hand on his gun. He waited a couple of seconds, then nodded at Munch, preparing to kick the door down-

A tall Mexican opened the door, looking at them curiously. "That's me. Can I help you, officers?"

"Yeah, by turning around and putting your hands on your head."

Garcia glanced between them in confusion and chuckled nervously. "Um, what is this-"

"Danny Garcia, you are arrested for the rape of Allison Crawford." When Fin grabbed him and turned him around, he started to struggle to get away and shouting that he hadn't done anything wrong. Munch just kept reading him his rights.

Coming up next: Casey tells the rest of SVU what happened and Fin and Munch interrogate Garcia. Feedback please.


	9. Chapter 9

Italics are Casey's POV.

**Chapter 8**

"Hey, Olivia- Elliot with Casey?" She nodded at Cragen, sipping her coffee and making a face like she wasn't really interested in it. While Elliot was still mad at her, he was being extremely careful around Casey and was even gentler with her than he was with his wife, even though he hadn't told her that he already knew. "Well, we have to take her statement."

"Yeah, I know… she actually just got back from some X-Rays. Casey needs to talk to you." Olivia led the way to the ADA's hospital room, where the doctor was helping her out of a wheelchair into bed.

"All right, I'll be back in several hours to check on you. For now, just let the Demerol do it's work and get some rest, Ms. Novak." The doctor nodded in greeting at the detectives, then left.

Casey winced when she saw them, lowering her head and shielding her face with her hair. "Case? We need to take your statement, but if you don't want to do it now, that's fine. It can probably wait a few days..." Cragen trailed off doubtfully.

Casey jumped on the statement, smiling eagerly. "Oh, yeah, that's-"

"Casey." Everyone stared at Olivia at her gentle rebuke, growing even more shocked when the ADA sighed and nodded, resigned.

"I'm sorry, Olivia. I didn't mean to... you know. I'm just stalling." She took a deep breath and sat upright, looking up to meet their eyes then quickly staring back at her hands again, trembling slightly.

Olivia walked to Casey's side and stood there protectively, not saying anything, just waiting for her to regain her courage. She swallowed, then mumbled something so softly they couldn't even hear her. Clearing her throat, Casey looked up into Olivia's eyes, then stared at the detectives one by one and said, "I was raped."

* * *

"What are they talking about?" Casey whispered to Olivia, trying to see past the curtain, where the rest of the squad were discussing something in low voices, with plenty of violent gestures and angry expressions.

She just shrugged, rubbing her arm comfortingly. "You know exactly what they're talking about. Captain's gonna be furious when he finds out I already knew- not at you, but at me."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Liv- I didn't realize that. I just never meant for them... well, anyone to find out. But then this whole mess with Garcia came up and I didn't have a choice…and Cragen's gonna kill both of us, not just you."

Olivia chuckled under her breath, shaking her head. "I can go answer his questions, if you want, leave you with Elliot."

Casey struggled upright, leaning so she could see the detective in question. Unlike the others, he was hanging back, listening but not saying anything. Munch must have said something bad, because he suddenly perked up and hissed a quiet but sharp rebuttal. Munch retorted back, and Cragen interceded before it came to blows. "Yeah, you'd better go replace the Unstabler out there. He's about to take John out."

Olivia laughed, rolling her eyes as she rushed over to them. "All right, El, no need to start World War three. I'll take over from here."

Elliot seemed to get the hint, because he let Olivia take his place- not without glaring at her first- as he made his way hesitantly to Casey's bed. The ADA was watching him carefully, searching for something in his eyes. "You want to talk about it?" he asked softly.

Casey smiled weakly, brushing a strand of hair her ear with a sad sigh. "No, not really. But I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"Yes, you do, Casey. If you don't want to talk, you don't have to."

He stopped, looking down at his shoes, and it took another moment of close examination for Casey to groan and put a hand to her forehead. "Oh, wonderful, now you're mad at me too. Elliot, what's wrong?"

Elliot didn't want to put even more pressure on her, not now, but this was something that had been bothering him ever since he had found out the truth. "Casey... why didn't you tell me when it first happened? We would of helped you; we never would of just let you hanging out there to dry.

Casey sighed and sat up straighter, beckoning him closer. "El, that's not what I was afraid of. I was..." She stopped, looking down at her hands, then continued, her voice quieter than before. "I was ashamed, Elliot. I still am. I didn't want you guys to know that I'd been..."

He sat hesitantly next to her on the bed, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Casey, what happened to you doesn't mean you're weak or that you're a bad person. I know you, Casey. You didn't let him. You fought him every step of the way- Liv told me how he was too strong, how you fought back but he wouldn't let you- now, tell me how that makes you weak."

"Yeah, but…" Casey froze, her eyes widening, then she looked up at him suspiciously and asked slowly, "Wait, how do you know that? Olivia's been with me this entire time. She didn't tell you before... did she?"

Elliot grimaced, realizing what he'd just said and wishing he could take it back. Shaking his head, he gently took her hand, and said, "No, I kind of found out for myself. After you came to see me a few days ago, I looked up the cases we had about the time you started to change. Once I saw your picture, I knew. Olivia saw me looking at the file and I got the rest of it out of her."

"Wha- _what_? She _told_ you? I told her not to tell anyone! And you- I told you to let it go! Why did you just keep on digging? It wasn't any of your business!"

"I didn't intend for this to happen, Casey! I didn't mean for you to find out!"

"Yeah, well, whatever you didn't intend or didn't mean, I still found out, and next time I tell you to stay out of my business, stay out of it!" She shouted, catching Cragen's concerned look and forcing her voice lower so he wouldn't come to investigate. "If you ever do something like this again, I swear, I'll-"

"I'm sorry, Casey, I know I shouldn't have looked, but I only did it because I was worried about you! I mean, you've done a hell of a job hiding this the past three months, but all of us knew something was wrong! And you coming to me the way you did made me think you're life was in danger! If you think I'm just gonna leave and let some bastard kill you then you're wrong!"

"Elliot, the only reason I ended up getting shot is because I'm an idiot! Your interference wouldn't have changed anything! And now I found out that my secret with Olivia was really being shared with you behind my back!"

He shook his head furiously, exclaiming, "No, Case, whatever you do, don't blame Liv for this! She was almost as mad as you when she found out what I'd done! She just told me how you were, that's all, nothing-"

"I don't want apologies from _you_, Stabler," she said pointedly. "I'm done with this. Right now, you're just a detective doing your job, and I'm your ADA. That's all."

"Casey," he started to protest, but she just shook her head and stared blankly at the wall, refusing to look at him. He tried again, with no success. Groaning, he left, silently berating himself for ever letting his and Olivia's betrayal slip.

"Detective, you should have told me. Casey is a part of this team, and while I understand why she didn't tell us, you don't hide rape victims from us just because they ask you to. We had a right to know."

Olivia had been going to keep silent and take the captain's punishment without complaint, but that last comment was too much. "A right to know? What about Casey's rights? What about her rights when this bastard raped her? The least I can do is give her a choice now, even though it's far too late to matter. And what do you think it would have done to her if I had just gone out and betrayed her trust? After everything's she been through, it would have just been another nail in the coffin. We're lucky she hasn't transferred out of SVU already- come on, Captain, even you've seen how much these cases have hurt her these past three months. If I had betrayed her like that, either she'd be gone, or she would have shut down completely, and who knows how she would deal with her rape then. I did what I had to."

"What you had to do? Olivia, she's lying in a hospital bed after being shot! Which wouldn't have happened, might I add, if you had just told us in the first place!"

"Captain, the gunshot wound wasn't fatal and there's no permanent damage and besides, if she wouldn't tell _me_ who did it, what makes you think she would tell you? And we both know that if the victim won't bring charges against their attacker, there's nothing we can do."

"Casey still needs to press charges against this bastard-"

"No, what Casey _needs_ is for someone to listen to what _she_ wants for a change! And if it's the whole justice thing you're concerned about, she already decided to press charges! I know that, what with her being the youngest member of the squad and all, you just want to protect her- hell, so do I! But if you think for one _second_ I was ever going to betray Casey, no matter what the reason, then you should just go to hell, because I wasn't going to betray her and I'm still not going to!"

Munch and Fin watched Cragen consider this for a long moment, clearly between still being furious or giving it up, then sigh and give in. "Fine. But if Casey's going to do this, then we're going to have to know what happened. Tell me everything you know."

She hesitated, uncertain. True, now that Casey had divulged her biggest secret, Olivia really didn't have anything to hide. But the things the ADA had told her were private- Casey wouldn't want the rest of SVU to know how she punished herself, how she slept with a softball bat or how little she'd really dealt with this. So Olivia settled for a half truth. "All she told me was that he was her boyfriend, but she broke up with him before they ever had sex. That night, though, he was at her apartment. He said they were meant to be together, then he raped her- she fought back, the whole time, but he was just too strong. Before he left, he carved his initials into her leg with his knife, then said that she was to call him, when she was ready. That was three months ago, Captain. She's been hiding it from us ever since."

Cragen looked away, shaking his head in fury, then ordered, "Munch, Fin, go back to the precinct and interrogate this bastard. And I don't care what he says, don't let Carmichael offer him a deal. If he won't confess, have her indict him."

* * *

"Mr. Garcia, I am going to give you one chance to confess and one chance only. After that, we are going to charge you with the rapes of Allison Crawford and Casey Novak and assault with a deadly weapon. That's right, Casey Novak. She came forward."

Garcia jumped to his feet and shouted, "Hey, the only reason I shot her is because she came up and started screaming at me! I want her charged with harassment, she-"

"Sit down!" Fin ordered, shoving him back into the chair. "That was the first time she confronted you, and we have witnesses that say she never raised a hand against you! Casey was there for five seconds and you _shot _her! She was ten feet away! You want to call that harassment, you go right ahead, but no jury's gonna buy it. These three charges- what do you think he'll get, Munch?"

"Hmm," he mused, sitting on the table next to Garcia. "Well, two counts of rape, that's gonna be around 30, and assault, that's gonna be 10- look at that, 40 years in total. And you're 29, Garcia? You'll be 69 before you get released, and that's if you live that long. My bet is you die in prison. That yours, Fin?"

He nodded, not even trying to hide how much the idea pleased him. "Oh yeah. But if you talk now, maybe the judge will go easy on you and won't sentence you so harshly- you could be eligible for parole in twenty, thirty years."

Garcia laughed and shook his head. "Yeah, dream on. And if you're evidence is so strong against me, then why are we even talking deals? Wouldn't you have indicted me already?"

Munch and Fin glanced at each other worriedly. They had plenty of evidence for the attack on Allison Crawford and for shooting Casey, but they didn't have anything besides Casey's word for the rape three months ago. Getting a conviction for that was going to be near impossible. Finally, Munch snapped, "When you were struggling back at your house as we were arresting you, you hit my partner. You confess now, and we don't add assault of a police officer and Casey won't have to testify."

Garcia frowned, getting to his feet and starting to pace around the small room. "Oh, and what about Allison? Seems I hit a nerve with Casey. How do you know her? You her new boyfriend or something? Doesn't matter, I suppose- I won't make your sweet Casey testify if you drop the assault with a deadly weapon charge _and_ the one where I hit your partner. But only if. Otherwise, I'll take my chances with my jury."

Munch and Fin exchanged worried looks. SVU had never really been interested in pursuing the assault charge, anyway, it was just the icing on the cake. And there was still a pretty good chance he'd die in prison- rapists didn't get along well with the other inmates, especially for thirty years. Still, neither one of them liked letting him off on even shooting Casey, though it was nothing compared to the rape.

Fin hesitated, then hissed, "I'll talk to ADA."

The moment they were outside the interrogation room, Abbie said, "I don't like it anymore than you do, Detectives, but we just might have to take it. Casey's rape was three months ago, so all physical evidence is gone. True, she got the rape kit, but since she never filed a police report, Garcia's defense attorney is going to argue that was just consensual sex gone bad, and we only have Casey's word to say otherwise. Unfortunately, Garcia is a successful stock-broker, so we can't make the argument that Casey's word is more trustworthy than his. Her rape would have been extremely difficult to prosecute. Casey's little stunt yesterday wouldn't have helped- the jury would see her as unstable and violent, despite the fact that she was the one shot, and he would have the possibility of a self-defense plea. If we can pull this deal off before he lawyers up, we'll be lucky. If he calls in a lawyer, he'll shove the deal back in our faces and take this to trial, and I might be able to only get a conviction for Crawford's case. I'll take the deal. Sorry, Detectives, there's nothing else I can do."

* * *

_ I realize I can't breathe and try to suck in another breath, but it's short and shallow, leaving my lungs still crying for air. I can't scream or beg, but I try and kick him off. My foot hits him five times, then he flips me over and I gasp in pain. _

_ "Bitch!" he shouts, holding my head down. "Stop fighting back! Stop it!" I feel him take my skirt off and realize what's about to happen, and mixed with the disbelief is the fierce energy coursing through my veins, only there to give me the strength I need to stop him. I writhe in his grasp, trying to get away, but he's just too strong! "I told you to stop!" he shouts again, this time pounding his fist against my head._

_ I feel sharp pain at the contact, then nothing. I know I should feel something, but I don't. He takes my shirt off, and I can't stop him when he turns me onto my back and pushes me up down, entering me over and over again. I still can't breathe, but the soundless screams are torn from my throat as he calls out to me, telling me to stop fighting and that I am his." He continues to rape me, and I fear it may never end._

_ The clock on the wall tells my how long my struggles last, how long I can not breathe and how long it takes for him to stop. I don't know what time he began, but the minute hands tick by and change numbers 34 times. 34 minutes it took for him to stop. But no, he's not done yet. He turns me onto my stomach and I think he's going to kill me, but I can't fight any harder than I already am. I feel a horrible pain in my left leg, and I scream a soundless scream again, then he lets me go. But I can not move. As I pull in my first full breath since he threw me down, he says calmly, "Call me when you're ready to date again, Casey." _

Olivia gasped when Casey shot upright, her chest heaving, her green eyes moist. "Casey?" she asked in concern, hurrying to her side as she looked up at her fearfully. "Casey? What's wrong?"

She put a hesitant hand on her shoulder, withdrawing it when she flinched away, raising her arms defensively and getting as far away from her as possible. Olivia sighed when the realization hit her- deprived of her bat and with the painkillers the hospital was giving her, Casey's little scheme to stop the nightmares wouldn't be working. She must have just seen the attack all over again. The only reason she hadn't said anything in her sleep was the Demerol, putting her in such a deep sleep that she wouldn't have talked or moved in response to a dream.

It took Casey a long moment to understand what had happened. When she did, however, her reaction was what she least expected.

"Get away from me, Detective."

"Casey?" she asked, confused. "It's me, Olivia."

Casey twisted away from her as she hissed, "I know exactly who you are. Go back to work. There's no reason for you to be here."

Olivia flinched at the cold edge to her voice, staring at her uncertainly. "What are you talking about, Casey?"

"Elli- Detective Stabler told me what you did. You betrayed me."

"Casey… are you talking about Elliot finding out about your rape? Case, that wasn't me! He found out on his own!"

She smirked, still refusing to look at her. "Right, and all those details he knew, they were just lucky guesses, right? He didn't learn them from you, he just guessed? I'm not that stupid, Oli… Detective Benson."

Olivia stared at her, stunned. "Case, he didn't- when I found out that he knew, I was mad as hell! I never-"

"If you were so mad, then why did you just tell him all about me like it was nothing?"

"I was trying to protect you!" she shouted, her patience wearing thin. "I was trying to keep Elliot from asking you! You and I both know that if he hadn't found out from me, he would either go asking everyone you knew or you yourself, and I'm pretty sure you'd prefer him finding out from me rather than everyone in the precinct and DA's office knowing something was up!"

Casey resisted the urge to scream back an insult and was about to keep on arguing when she realized what she was doing.

* * *

This was all her fault in the first place- if she had just reported her assault, none of this would even be happening- including Allison's attack. She had no right to be mad at Olivia- she deserved everything she got now. It wasn't even just because she hadn't been able to stop herself from being raped; it was because she had realized that she wouldn't be reporting it for justice, it was to get him off the streets, so everybody would be safe from him. But no, Casey had been too concerned about _herself_ to worry about anyone else- if she hadn't been so worthless and selfish, none of this would of happened. What right did she have to be mad at Olivia? The detective had been trying to convince her to report the attack ever since she had found out about it.

This was all her fault. And being mad at her friends when they hadn't done anything wrong was energy wasted when she should be mad at herself.

Coming up next: Casey's release from the hospital and the beginning of the trial. Feedback please. And I'm sorry, I meant to drag the fight out for at least another chapter, but I REALLY suck at fight scenes.


	10. Chapter 10

leader- yeah, I know the characters are getting a little OOC- sorry. That's because I inserted almost every fight scene after I wrote the chapter and, a couple times, I just changed out characters- for example, the interrogation scene was originally written for Elliot and Olivia. I just changed the names but otherwise, it's the same.

Also, I'm not gonna do much about the trial (yeah, just because he's pleading guilty to Casey's rape doesn't say anything about Allison Crawford!), just Casey's testimony and the verdict. Maybe some other details, but otherwise it would go on forever. And I plan to end this shortly after the verdict, so this one is coming to a close. About two, three more chapters. I might do a sequel, if people ask. Tell me what you think.

**Chapter 9**

"You sure you want to this?"

For what must have been the thousandth time that day, Casey looked up at Olivia, rolling her eyes and nodding. "Yes, I am, Detective. Allison Crawford is a waitress with a criminal record. I'm a lawyer without a rap sheet. Both of our testimonies, coupled with the fact that we're practically twins, should be enough to convince a jury."

Olivia sighed and led the stubborn ADA to the elevator, shaking her head. Despite the fact that he'd already pled guilty to Casey's rape, she was going to testify, to show previous history for his M.O. She and the rest of SVU didn't want to admit it, but Casey was right- Crawford's testimony alone probably wouldn't be enough. But none of that meant that they felt any better about seeing Casey relive her humiliation in open court, up on the witness stand all alone, her entire life exposed for the defense attorney to poke and rip shreds into.

Casey swung into the elevator on her crutches, punching the button for the ground floor and groaned, resigned to wait. She couldn't get away from Olivia now. Sure enough, as soon as the doors closed, the detective looked at her and asked softly, "Casey, why are you doing this? I know you don't want to."

"You're damn right I don't want to! But I don't have a choice! It's my fault that Crawford was raped! If I had spoken up, this never would have happened. If I don't testify, he might be found innocent and rape again. I'm doing this, Olivia. If you want to try and stop me, go right ahead. But if you think I'm going to give up just because you tell me to, you've got another thing coming."

Casey was limping to Abbie's office for witness prep when someone called out to her, followed by the sounds of someone in high heels running. _If this is some stupid secretary coming to give me some stupid form I forgot to sign, she is dead. _She turned around, only to find Elizabeth Donnelly hurrying along the hall towards her. "Judge Donnelly!" she exclaimed in surprise. "What can I do for you?"

"Don't give me any of that, Casey. I'm not on the job, it's Liz," she panted, and by the look in her eyes... Damn it. She knew. "Casey, I... I just wanted to talk to you before the trial, so we don't violate ex parte."

Casey remained blank for a moment, then gasped, furious. "What the hell- Liz, _you're _the judge on the case? But you can't be! I mean, you're my friend, wouldn't you have to recluse yourself?"

"I'm sorry, Casey, but I can't recluse myself just on your say so. And the defense already tried to get me thrown off, but since most judges in the city know you, the Bar decided to let me take it on. I know you don't want me to, but even if I weren't the judge, I would still be at the trial. But I wanted to tell you that just because I'm your friend, I can't protect you from the defense. You know I wish I could, but I can't. And you're probably gonna want to kill me for sustaining the defense's objections or overruling the prosecution's, and you'll have every right to be mad, but just know that I'm sorry and I really am on your side. And I'll probably apologize after the trial, too."

Casey was not happy about this at all. As if it wasn't enough to have SVU listen to her testimony, Liz, her friend for seven years, ever since she graduated law school, would too. She didn't want any of them to hear how weak she had been, the horrible things Garcia had done, how she had failed to stop him... "Yeah, thanks, Liz. Real nice. I'll try to remember that when you start quoting the sixth amendment to me or giving the defense license to do whatever they want. Anything else you want to tell me? You're Garcia's sister, or maybe you're paying the bill his defense attorney as well? Oh, and let's not forget how you're gonna blame me for showing up outside that club Saturday night if this case gets acquitted, yeah, you're a real good friend, Liz," she hissed, slamming the door to Abbie's office, her voice cold as ice.

Abbie glanced up from her desk, smiling slightly when she saw who it was. "That was nice. Judge Donnelly might be the one killing you in a minute, if I know her at all. How's your leg?"

"Fine, and I don't need to hear I just acted like a child. I know... I'm sorry, Abbie. I am being such an ass."

Abbie laughed, shaking her head and gesturing for to sit down. "Hey, whatever, so long as you don't kill me I'm fine with it. Now, down to business. Defense attorney's Trevor Langan; you know him?"

With a groan at the mention of her rival, Casey tied her hair back out of her eyes and nodded. This was going to be a long day.

Allison Crawford headed shakily back to her seat and Elliot and Olivia exchanged worried glances. They both knew the details of this case backwards and forwards, and that included the order for the witnesses. Right after Crawford was the prosecution's last witness- Casey.

Olivia smiled slightly in spite of herself, remembering the mess this morning had been. Casey had been trying to find an outfit she could wear with the cast without mutilating any of her expensive clothes, and had ended up settling on a knee-length black dress and one black leather boot- high heels were the most court-appropriate, but walking with one high heel would have been a disaster. Casey had been laughing as she threw skirt after skirt at Olivia, proclaiming that they wouldn't work, and it had been beyond good to see the ADA laugh again, despite the circumstances. She knew Casey was only pretending to be happy, and under the surface, she was terrified, but at least she was able to hold herself together. Olivia had no idea what kind of shape she'd been in after the trial, but the night before had been hell. Casey's nightmares had been the worst yet, and though she had not remembered them, the pain medication she was taking for her gunshot wound was keeping her asleep for almost a full eight hours at night, so she had resorted to drastic measures to stop herself from remembering. Now she would sleep in purposefully painful positions, like tying her arm to the headrest then twisting so it hurt, or leaning her wounded leg up against her softball bat so it pressing against the gunshot wound so hard not even the cast could stop the pain. This seemed to help, because she didn't remember anything, but still...

"The People call Casey Novak to the stand." Heads turned to the back of the courtroom, all waiting for the tall redhead to make her appearance. It only took a second.

Casey limped into the courtroom, still on crutches, her pale face absolutely blank. The room was silent as she made her way to the front of the courtroom, where she was sworn in, Garcia leering at her the whole time. Olivia was shaking slightly from the effort of not running to protect her. Elliot put a hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her, but it was to no avail. She wanted to shoot him, right where his heart would be, if he had one- the only problem was, it wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough for what she went through.

"Ms. Novak, please describe your relationship with the defendant, Danny Garcia."

Casey took a deep breath, meeting Abbie's eyes before clearing her throat and saying loudly, "I'm his _ex-_girlfriend."

Abbie nodded as she walked forward, the picture of the perfect prosecutor. Casey still found herself critiquing her performance, finding little things wrong with it, here and there- _stop it, Casey, everyone has their style. You're just nitpicking. Just let her do her job. _"And how long ago was this?"

"About three months. We had only dated for around two weeks when I ended it."

"Was there another man? Was he cheating on you?"

Casey shook her head, perfectly at ease telling this part. No humiliation or failure. Just an average break-up. "No, I just felt that it'd be better if we remained just friends- I just didn't like him _that way_ anymore." _God I sound just like a teenage girl._

Now for the hard part. Abbie walked so she stood in the middle of Casey's line of vision, so she couldn't see Garcia- she must have been at SVU long enough to pick up that habit. "What happened next, Ms. Novak?"

"Well, I broke up with him at a bar... I hadn't had anything to drink, and Garcia stormed out, so I just biked home to my apartment. The door was still locked, so I didn't think… But when I went inside... Garcia was waiting for me. He was... really angry, and he... he said we were meant to be together. That I was his and he was mine. He said he'd show me. When he threw me to the ground, I realized what he meant and tried to run, but he stopped me and told me stop fighting back. I could see a clock, so I know it was at least five minutes before he... took my skirt off." Casey's voice grew softer as she stared at her hands, so ashamed she couldn't stand to see the crowd's faces, their accusing eyes...

"Then he took off my shirt, and he... raped me. I don't know how many times, but... it took 34 minutes for him to stop. But... when he was done... well, he wasn't. I thought he was just going to leave, but... he had a knife, and... he cut his name into my skin. He cut D.G., right into my leg. Then he told me to call him when I was ready, and he just... left."

Abbie nodded sympathetically, murmuring, "Thank you." Then, louder, "No further questions."

She went back to her seat, and Casey knew that now was going to be the hard part. Now she had to face the defense's cruel, prying questions, go through every aspect of that night as he put it on a microscope, searching for any tiny discrepancies he might use to get his client acquitted. "That was a very illuminating tale, Ms. Novak. Was any of it true?"

Casey glared at Langan, crossing her arms and answering coolly, "Excuse me?"

"I asked if any of it was true. Do you have a hearing problem?"

Suppressing the growl rising in her throat, she nodded, trying to keep her voice civil. "Yes, Langan, all of it was true. Are you going to call specific parts of it into question or just browbeat me?"

"I'll be asking the questions, Ms. Novak. Well, you stated that he raped and cut you, is that correct?" _Where is he going with this? I have the scars and the rape kit, what else does he want? _She nodded, and he continued. "Then why didn't you get a rape kit until the doctor's gave one to you without your consent? Why, in fact, did you not go to the hospital? Why did a neighbor have to find you passed out just inside your door?"

"_Because_," she said, her voice growing colder and colder every second. "I didn't have the time to. I was cleaning up my living room and was going to lock my door when I passed out." _Not true at all, but hey, he can't prove my reasons for not going to the hospital._

"So you were going to report it, then? Well, when SVU detectives interviewed you at the hospital, you both lied about your name and said that nothing happened, then refused to release the results of the rape kit. If you were going to report it, then why did you lie?"

_Shit. _"Um... the doctors said I had a concussion, so I wasn't thinking logically."

Langan smirked and shook his head. "Well, you haven't had a concussion for the past three months, now have you? Why didn't you report it once the concussion wore off?"

_ Double shit. _"I don't quite see how my feelings at the time are relevant to this trial now, Langan."

Elizabeth glared at her, but her gaze softened as she said, "Answer the question, Ms. Novak, you can't object."

Casey sighed unhappily. "Sorry, _Your Honor. _In answer to your question, Langan, I didn't want to press charges or get revenge, I just wanted to put it all behind me. A trial would have lasted weeks, maybe even months."

"And yet here we are, at a trial. What changed your mind?"

"Because he raped Allison-"

"_Allegedly, _Ms. Novak."

"Fine, he _allegedly _raped Allison Crawford! Once I found that out, I knew I had to say something to stop him in case he did it again!" _There, you happy now, Langan? _she added in her head. _My choice of words good enough for you?_

"Thank you, Ms. Novak- that wasn't so hard, was it?" She just glared at him, waiting for the torture to continue. "Now, if you were so concerned about justice, why did you confront my client outside a club on 56th avenue Saturday night?"

Well, this sucked. Casey wasn't sure why exactly she had even done that at all. "I... I was- I just wanted to see him. I wanted to be the one to tell him that he wasn't getting away with it, that- wait a minute! Garcia's not even on trial for the assault charge! What does that have to do with anything?"

Langan smiled slightly, and she could almost hear him think, _I got her. _"Ms. Novak, if my client truly did rape you like you said, wouldn't you be scared of him? Wouldn't you have tried to avoid him at all costs? Isn't it true, Ms. Novak-"

"Objection, Your Honor, leading!"

"I'll rephrase- Ms. Novak, were you scared of my client after he allegedly raped you?"

Casey swallowed back her anger at being shown to be weak- again- and nodded. "Yes, I was- but I was more angry than scared when I went to that club, I wanted to tell him I knew what he'd done! I wanted to-"

"Right, angry- you didn't even know Allison Crawford! The only _true _thing you've told us today is the fact that my client came to you saying you could call him when you were ready! That's what you were going to do on Saturday, but he made you angry so you threatened him, and he only shot you in self-defense! No further questions," he sneered righteously, sauntering back to his chair before Casey could even blink.

"The jury will disregard the defense's last statement, as Mr. Langan has no evidence for it. Watch it, Mr. Langan, or I'll hold you in contempt. Ms. Novak, you may step down now." Casey stared in shock, realizing she might have just ruined their chances at a conviction, then got unsteadily to her feet and rushed out of the courtroom as fast as the crutches could allow.

Coming up next: Olivia comforts Casey and the verdict. Feedback please.


	11. Chapter 11

Hey people, this is a short one, and it's also the last one. Right, final chapter. I really had no idea how to end it, so I just used the verdict. And I have decided to do a sequel and already generally know the plot but won't post it until it's complete, so it could be a while. That one will PROBABLY be called Her flame won't die, but that's a probably. I might change it, but it'll still be under this account, so keep an eye out for it. Also, a toast- to my first finished story! I never finished anything before! I FEEL COMPLETE!

**Chapter 10**

Olivia found Casey collapsed in an empty courtroom, sitting on the end of a bench and sobbing into her hands. She rushed to the ADA's side, putting an arm around her shoulders and getting down next to her. "Sweetie, it's okay, it's okay," she said quickly, gently combing the hair back from her face.

"No it's not!" Casey shouted, twisting away violently and shaking her head. "No it's not! If the verdict comes back not guilty, then it's gonna be my fault for screwing up so badly on the stand! If I had just answered his questions, the jury would convict in fifteen minutes! But now I'll be lucky if they convict at all! I know it's Crawford's trial, but saying they believe her is pretty much saying they believe me- if they come back not guilty, then that means they don't believe either one of us, and he's just gonna go out and rape somebody else, all because I didn't report this in the first place!"

"Casey, _no_," Olivia exclaimed sharply, getting around so she could see the ADA's eyes. "This is _not_ your fault! You didn't report it because you were scared and ashamed, Casey, you had no idea this was going to happen! As for Langan's questions- come on, nobody in their right mind would listen to that! All he really did was restate the facts so it makes you out to be some lying, vindictive bitch, and no one believes that! He couldn't even give a reason why you would suddenly charge him with rape now, not three months ago, if you were making this up. Don't you dare blame yourself for this!"

She laughed weakly, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, well, why not, when it's my fault? I have been selfish and stupid throughout this whole thing. And now, as a result, Crawford will never get justice. Neither will I, and neither will the other women he'll rape."

"Okay, Casey, he's already pled guilty to your rape. He's going to prison for at least ten years; you're going to get justice. And even if Crawford's verdict is not guilty, Garcia will be off the street, and she'll be safe. So will all the other women he might have raped. If anything that's happened is because of you, it's that he's never going to be able to hurt anyone again. I'm proud of you, Case, proud that you were able to do this and stand up to him- now, when are you going to stop blaming yourself?"

"When? I'll tell you when, Olivia- when someone invents a time machine so I can go back and stop Allison Crawford from being raped. Until then, the only thing I can do is pray for a guilty verdict. That's all. So why don't you just leave me alone?"

Olivia shook her head vehemently, hugging Casey tightly and refusing to let go. "I don't think so, Casey. You are not going to stay here all alone and cry your eyes out because of what Garcia did. This is not your fault and I'm never going to let him hurt you again. I'm telling you as a friend who loves you, Casey- you're not alone. I am never going to abandon you and make you deal with this alone. You've been in hell for three months, and even if this verdict comes back not guilty, he'll still go to prison. No one blames you for what's happened. And you're strong, I know you're fighting this, I know you're trying to deal with it. Come on, Casey, look at me- everything's going to be okay. I promise, honey, everything's going to be okay."

* * *

The trial came to a close one week after Casey's testimony, the jury in deliberation the whole time. Casey was still living at Olivia's, and now she could at least claim an excuse for it- her apartment building's elevator was on the fritz, and she didn't get to walk without crutches for another month. Everyone at SVU had tried to get her to talk about it, and she had refused every time. By the looks Elizabeth was casting in her direction, Casey could only assume that the moment the trial ended, she was going to have her go as well.

Trevor Langan had approached her too, and the sarcasm in his voice had been so thick she could of gathered it up and used it as honey on a banana split. _I respect you as both a person and a lawyer, Casey, and I wish I hadn't been forced to be so cruel on the stand, but it's my job. You, as well as anyone, know that._

Casey had a thousand sharp responses just sitting on her tongue, ready to be spit out, the majority of them including her taking one of her crutches and whacking him over the head with it, but she had only ended up plastering a fake smile on her lips and mumbling something about it not being his fault. She wasn't sure if anybody had believed either Langan's initial approach or her own response as sincere, but it seemed to be essential in keeping with public niceties.

District Attorney Arthur Branch was also insisting she take time off. When she had refused, Branch had told he could technically force her to take medical leave for the gunshot wound, and the maximum for a leg wound was for two months. He was only forcing two weeks, and all Casey wanted was to move on with her life. So now she was lying around Olivia's apartment all day, doing absolutely nothing. She had her laptop, so she was looking around for open vacancies in any apartment buildings near the DA's office or the courthouse. That was Olivia's idea, since she had told her how the nightmares gradually got better the longer she stayed in her apartment. Not better as in non-existent, but at least not as bad. She had also promised to go apartment shopping with her later, whenever her leg healed up, so Casey was looking around for any places she was interested in. However, without actually seeing the place, there wasn't much she could do.

Why wouldn't people just leave her alone?

Casey sat next to Olivia, the rest of SVU sitting on the other side of her. Branch was there too, god knows why, but he was standing in the back of the courtroom. His two lapdogs, Kelly Gaffney and Tracey Kibre, were behind him, but she suspected that was more because they were bucking for a raise more than they actually cared about the outcome of the case.

"All rise for the Honorable Judge Donnelly." Elizabeth entered, but Casey remain seated. She learned long ago that using crutches to stand in such a cramped place was a bad idea, and besides, Elizabeth wasn't going to bother her about it.

"Be seated. Has the jury reached a verdict?"

The Foreman got to his feet and proclaimed, "We have, Your Honor."

Casey sat up straighter, her breath quickening the moment she heard those words. Verdict. It all came down to this. Guilty or not guilty. If the jury found him not guilty... her life was over.

"For the charge of rape, how do you find?"

She closed her eyes, gripping the edges of the seat nervously, unable to breathe. "We the jury find the defendant..."

Moment of truth.

"Guilty."

To be continued in 'Her flame wouldn't die.' But, as for Running Away…

Finis!


	12. Chapter 12

So why am I updating a story that was finished over a year ago? Well, I consider this my best story, but I went through it and revised it because I'm submitting it for a college program. I've already replaced all the chapters with the revised version, so just go back and read them if you want, and tell me what you think. The only thing I'm sure will be annoying is the unnecessary introductions, such as how I explain the setting in the prologue- well you can't submit fanfiction, so after I updated all the chapters, I changed the characters names and turned it into original fiction.

I hope you all enjoy the revisions, but no, I'm not going through any of my other stories and fixing them up- just this one, my little fanfiction baby! Please, enjoy.


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